ISIS punishments a tad lenient, say Mail readers

READERS of the Daily Mail have declared ISIS’s stance on crime and sex to be disappointingly soft.

A list of ISIS’s punishments published on the newspaper’s website has revealed that its stance on things like shoplifting is  less brutal than Mail devotees would ideally like.

58-year-old Tom Booker said: “Obviously the bit about homosexuals being put to death is not a problem, but if you get caught stealing a Yorkie bar you should clearly be hung.

“If you only have one hand you could keep stealing with the remaining one.

“I’m not sure what calumny is but it probably deserves 100 lashes rather than 80.

“Also, why does it make no mention of turning a car around in another man’s driveway, especially when they have put a sign up expressly forbidding it. That warrants being stung to death by hornets.”

He added: “I should stress that I am obviously against ISIS. They are foreign.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, why not put ‘Sorry, but your kid is really ugly’ as your Facebook status, then put ‘Sorry, that was meant to be a DM’ underneath?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After a busy Easter weekend doing DIY, it’s back to work this week to earn enough money to pay somebody to rectify the horse’s arse you made of it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Friday you will sign up for Tidal as you have always wanted to make sure a multimillionaire egomaniac has enough money to buy another mako shark.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re always the first to offer your seat to pregnant women on the bus, which is why they don’t let you drive them any more.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You receive your polling card on Thursday, giving you four whole weeks to have any difficult words on it explained to you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time to up the exercise levels this weekend by going to the chippy that’s further away.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A strange new object in the sky enters your sign on Monday, causing you to go completely numb down one side.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Libra is the sign of balance so it’s appropriate that you actually smell as bad as you look.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I have a message from your grandmother. She asked if you could bring another six-pack of gin the next time you pop round.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Embarrassing scenes when a whip round at work for somebody’s leaving present sees you drop a handwritten ‘Coupon For 1 Massage’ into the envelope.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You will get an iWatch only to discover it is like a more boring, less murderous version of the voices in your head.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Now with added hold, build, sheen, texture, grittiness, side-pockets and turgidity.