Dear User/Barely Sentient Marketing Target,
Some time ago you allowed us access to every aspect of your life. Don’t deny it. You know you tick any box going and never read the accompanying text about companies’ plans to ruthlessly exploit you because it’s boring.
And now, in light of a new data privacy law coming in across the EU, we are legally required to tell you that we’ve got your data, we’ve sold your data, and we will be continuing to do whatever the fuck we like with it.
We know everything about you. How your marriage is doing. Which of the kids is your favourite. That little phase of ‘exploring your sexuality’ in 2003. And it’s all for sale to the highest bidder.
If your friends want to know which of them you truly like, we’ll tell them. If businesses want to know exactly when on a Friday night you hit your lowest, drunkest, most-vulnerable-to-shoe-advertising point, we’ll tell them as well.
Please don’t imagine we find you interesting. It’s just that the tedious grind of your mundanity – seriously, you’re reading the Wikipedia entry for Donnie Darko again? That’s the sixth time in ten years – makes us money.
If someone wants to sell you something, whether it’s jeans, gym membership or Brexit, they come to us. Then we tell them how to do it because you are no more complex than a cow.
So we’re keeping your data. We’re collecting more data. That slack-jawed expression you’ve got, reading this? We’ve recorded it via your webcam just in case anyone, anywhere, one day finds it useful.
Now delete this email and stop thinking about it forever. Done? Thanks.
All the best,
The Daily Mash