The Daily Mash email about our plans to continue violating your privacy

Dear User/Barely Sentient Marketing Target, 

Some time ago you allowed us access to every aspect of your life. Don’t deny it. You know you tick any box going and never read the accompanying text about companies’ plans to ruthlessly exploit you because it’s boring.

And now, in light of a new data privacy law coming in across the EU, we are legally required to tell you that we’ve got your data, we’ve sold your data, and we will be continuing to do whatever the fuck we like with it.

We know everything about you. How your marriage is doing. Which of the kids is your favourite. That little phase of ‘exploring your sexuality’ in 2003. And it’s all for sale to the highest bidder.

If your friends want to know which of them you truly like, we’ll tell them. If businesses want to know exactly when on a Friday night you hit your lowest, drunkest, most-vulnerable-to-shoe-advertising point, we’ll tell them as well.

Please don’t imagine we find you interesting. It’s just that the tedious grind of your mundanity – seriously, you’re reading the Wikipedia entry for Donnie Darko again? That’s the sixth time in ten years – makes us money.

If someone wants to sell you something, whether it’s jeans, gym membership or Brexit, they come to us. Then we tell them how to do it because you are no more complex than a cow.

So we’re keeping your data. We’re collecting more data. That slack-jawed expression you’ve got, reading this? We’ve recorded it via your webcam just in case anyone, anywhere, one day finds it useful.

Now delete this email and stop thinking about it forever. Done? Thanks.

All the best,
The Daily Mash

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Were you the kid that was always rude to their mum?

ONE kid at school was always totally out of order to their mum. Was it you? Take our test to find out.

How did you introduce your mum to friends?

A) Mum, Tony; Tony, Mum.

B) Tony, this is the BITCH that lives with us until the council come to get her.

How did you farewell your mum at the school gates?

A) Waving, one hand.

B) Flipping the bird, both hands.

Your mum wouldn’t let you watch an 18-rated film. Did you call her:

A) So annoying.

B) A fat fucking shit-for-brains fascist slag.

Which of these would you have got your mum for her birthday?

A) Flowers; homemade IOU token for flowers.

B) Nothing; a demand for her to ‘not milk it because there’s ironing to do’.

Your mum bought the wrong type of cereal. Did you:

A) Eat it anyway, if a little less enthusiastically than usual.

B) Wait for her to bring you a bowl then slowly push it off the table like a cat, all the while maintaining eye contact.

Mostly As: You were probably fine to your mum. Didn’t stop you laughing at other people being rude though, did it? Think on.

Mostly Bs: You were the ‘rude to their mum’ kid, but guess what? She’s having the last laugh because she owns a house and you’ll never be able to afford one.