The Mash guide to fracking

IT’S here and it’s fine, except that it might render entire counties uninhabitable.

Here’s everything you need to know about fracking in the UK:

Fracking will allow the country to enjoy free-roaming wind again rather than it being shackled by turbines.

Use of the word ‘frack’ to replace a commonplace sexual swearword, eg  ‘Go frack yourself,’ is a trademark infringement punishable by community service.

In areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty, burning gas flare-offs should be carefully positioned to illuminate the area in a romantic manner.

All underground fracking workers will wear three-piece suits and ties to avoid association with those scruffy coal-miners.

If tap water begins to spontaneously burn, remember you’d pay eight euros for that on holiday if it was aniseed flavoured.

Any employee gaining superpowers during a freak fracking accident must use those powers solely and without exception for the purposes of his employer.

Anti-fracking campaigners will be seared away in the Great Immolation along with everyone else.

Residents of fracking areas are warned that interbreeding with the subterranean Vril-ya people is illegal, and any children born to the union will be indentured to the company and worked until death.

Fracking operations are prohibited within marginal constituencies.

All of the above is so that you can recharge your iPad, then play bird games on it.

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Southampton to play homeopathic football

SOUTHAMPTON are to bid for the Premier League using the concept of homeopathy.

With every player under the age of 50 or below 18 stone sold to rival teams, manager Ronald Koeman believes that the effectiveness of the remaining players will increase exponentially.

16-year-old trainee Kyle Stephenson said: “I’ve been told I’ll be starting up front next season if I can manage to train for less than three seconds a week and not even look at a football in my spare time.

“This has come as a particular shock because I’m actually a trainee groundsman but the gaffer said my experience in dealing with plants will come in handy for preparing tinctures. I haven’t the heart to tell him that turf isn’t really ‘plants’.”

Southampton enjoyed their best finish in years last season, which the board credited to increasingly diluted quantities of Gareth Bale and Theo Walcott.

The success of their youth academy was credited to the training ground still containing microscopic amounts of Le Tissier from the one time in 1988 when he jogged around on it for a few minutes  before going for a pint.

Koeman said: “Conventional football is just a conspiracy to help make money. You’re going to see a more holistic approach to the game when we field a small photo of our 1960 league three winner’s cup.”