The Mash guide to improving your attention span

DOES your mind jump between unrelated subjects? Do you have 85 browser tabs open at once? Have you checked Instagram between this sentence and the last sentence? Try this: 

Focus on one thing at a time
Try the pomodoro technique, where you focus for 25 minutes before taking a 5-minute break. Why’s it called pomodoro? Sounds like a Latin American fruit. Best Google it.

Put your phone out of sight
We’re all painfully aware of the impact our phones can have on our wellbeing. But also, your last tweet could be going viral and you could be missing out on career opportunities so just check it quick.

Turn off notifications
Turning off notifications is a sure-fire win, enabling you to be the master of your own time. Time in which you can feel unwanted and unloved because nothing is popping up to tell you otherwise.

Try yoga
Yoga fixes everything. There’s no way anyone would ever have phone addiction in India. But you’ll definitely need to shop online for some yoga clothes first. Perhaps a hairband too? Oh, it’s lunchtime somehow.

Listen to white noise
Cool, it sounds like a rainstorm! When was the last big storm here? Best check that. And what are you meant to do in a storm? Safety first. You’re meant to have candles and torches and things, aren’t you? Time to put together a disaster pack from eBay.

This might be the best solution. But what are the side effects of Ritalin? A quick check on webMD will do it and certainly not be the start of an anxious, two-hour journey into a health horror rabbit hole…

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Kate and William seen boarding Megabus

THE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have dealt another PR blow to rivals Harry and Meghan by being pictured taking their family to Aberdeen by Megabus. 

William and Kate showed off their perfect regal poise as they stepped aboard the budget service for the 14-hour journey, deftly ignoring the stale odour and the man who is either asleep or dead on the back seat.

Passenger Wayne Hayes said: “Wow. They have made Meghan look like such an ars*hole.

“William put everyone perfectly at their ease by playing hardcore hip hop through a Bluetooth speaker and the children each had a can of Monster energy drink.

“And Kate, marvellous Kate, whipped out a Greggs bag and made delightful conversation with the woman next to her about how unfair it was her benefits had been sanctioned because Dazza is a f**king grass.

“Covered in crumbs from a cheese and onion pasty, fiddling elegantly with the strictly ornamental air-con nozzle, Kate truly is the people’s princess.”

A royal insider said: “Meghan’s furious. Her and Harry have bought matching Lonsdale hoodies and are setting themselves up in Mansfield Wetherspoons for the afternoon.”