The swingeing, petty rules to follow at your holiday flat

WELCOME to your holiday flat. We hope you have a wonderful stay, though I hope to make that less likely by settling these rules: 

Air-conditioning

You may have chosen this property specifically because it has air-conditioning. Nonetheless, do not use it. Ostensibly this is because of the noise it makes disturbs other holidaymakers, and I might even throw in an insulting reference to climate change, but we both know it’s because of my electricity bills.

Lavatorial waste

Because the property is in the country, the toilet feeds into a septic tank. And because you’re not from the country you have no idea what that means, so will be in a state of fearful indecision about what ‘Do not flush extraneous paper products’ means and at least one family member will put sh*tted loo paper into a bin.

Hot water

I can’t believe you’re expecting hot water like it’s some kind of human right. Admittedly there is an immersion heater, installed by a previous owner who was a hedonistic sybarite obsessed with luxury, but leave it on for no more than 30 minutes maximum. That’s enough for hot showers for a family of five.

Local businesses

You must visit the pub down the road, the butcher in the next village and a fish restaurant 22 miles away. As you’ll realise after a week these certainly aren’t the best in the area – far from it – but they are run by mates of mine.

Minor issues

The back door falls off the hinges whenever opened, one of the legs of the bed is propped up on breezeblocks, and the washing machine simply doesn’t rinse. Mentioning any of these issues is discourteous and will see you frowned at.