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Five English towns I would rather not be given the freedom of, by Sarina Wiegman

WINNING the Euros a second time round means your success-starved island nation is forced to go to even greater lengths to show its gratitude. But please don’t bother giving me the ‘freedom’ of these places: 

Luton

Top-level football management isn’t all assessing the possession-based football of Aitana Bonmati and her Spanish mob on TV. You’ve got to have a life too, so I’m an avid viewer of 24 Hours in Police Custody. However that means there’s no way I’m being the poster girl for a town full of robbers, drug dealers and murderers. I’d rather move back to Holland and put up with the f**king mice in clogs.

Grimsby

A dour dock town with the whiff of cod and desperation. Back home I once went out with a fisherman from Volendam who stank of smoked eel. I promised myself: never again. So no medieval rights to Grimsby, please. I mean the clue is in the name. It’s like calling somewhere God This Is Going To Be Awfulville.

Morecambe

I know not to step on another sporting icon’s turf and Morecambe is Tyson Fury’s borough. If I saw him on the promenade our competitive natures could easily spill over into senseless violence and I’d drop him with my left hook then bring Chloe Kelly from the bench to put the boot in while he’s down. Also I hear Morecambe is all faded seaside glamour and the whole place sizzles with underlying menace. And the seagulls are as big as pterodactyls. So it’s a hard pass from me. 

Coventry

Coventry was flattened by bombs in World War II – and I’m not sure you can tell the difference today, hahaha! But seriously, I can’t understand a word the locals say and that’s coming from a Dutch person. When I walked down the street in my trademark white shirt and slacks, several locals asked what I was up in court for. For that Coventry must pay the penalty of not giving me a symbolic right to trade in the town square. But let’s not talk about penalties. We were dangerously close to f**king up in classic disappointing England style.

Slough

I’m from the land of tulips and windmills, not the land of roundabouts and dog shit. As I said, I don’t just watch endless footage of how the Italians counter-press. I’ve seen every episode of The Office and the Christmas specials. David Brent isn’t merely hilariously inept at judging social situations. His management techniques have been proven not to get results. And that is something I cannot endorse. 

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This week in Mash History: Vikings in small boats invade British Isles but it's fine because they're white, 866

MORE than a millennia ago, the UK faced an unprecedented invasion from foreigners seizing land and assaulting women which nobody resented even slightly. 

Indeed, historical records suggest that, even as Viking raiders set fire to our monasteries, stole our holy relics and made off with our wives, the average Briton took one look at them and judged them to be just like us.

Contemporary chronicler Ethelred of Norfolke wrote: “Awoke to gret commotion down at the waeves, with screams and bloodshed and an immense burning. ‘Invaders!’ a women cried.

“I determined I should investigate, lest this be an attack on our country which should leave us forever changed both religiously and ethnically. But instead I found chaps who, but for their strange tongue, braided hair, tattoos and habits of slaughter, could be my brothers.

“Their leader seemed most fearsome but in person was exceeding polite, sharing an ale with me and making profuse apologies when he had to step away for a moment to disembowel a monk, a task he performed in good grace.

“He explained he and his compatriots sailed here in small boats from a land riven by war and most inhospitable to build a better lyfe, which only the most churlish could deny these fine, upstanding peoples who I am sure will integrate splendidly.

“Even now I am unsure what set me so at ease about him and gave me so little concern. We had a chat about how terrible it is in Iberia under Moorish rule and agreed most heartily. It may be that.

“Either way, I informed him he and his compatriots would be most welcome and should they need to draw alms until they found employe I bade them do so. And if one day he should wish for the kingship, he would do so with my blessing.”

Which is why to this day, the UK welcomes any and all immigrants who come here with open arms, after a swift visual appraisal.

Next week: to 1704, when Sir Isaac Newton separates light with a prism and invents prog rock.

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