The Mash guide to overcoming your smartphone addiction

Are you sick of being a slave to your phone? Follow our simple guide to regaining control of your destiny.

Break your phone
One of the most effective ways to break the cycle is to break your phone – and modern handsets are helpfully designed to make this super simple. Drop it from a small height to smash the screen or throw the fucker against a wall and watch it explode into a thousand pices. Et voila: freedom!

Go Google-free
Instead of rudely using your phone to look up facts when you’re in conversation, just guess them instead. Speak with confidence: “The great fire of London was definitely in 1066”. No one will challenge you.

Use an old-fashioned alarm clock
Not one of those bell alarm clocks, we’re talking about going whole hog – you will wake when the sun and the birds rouse you. And if that’s not until 9.45am, so be it. Prepare an impassioned speech for your boss about making healthy choices for when you are handed a final written warning.

Talk constantly about how you’re not on your phone
Make the most of the time you save by not being glued to your phone by talking incessantly about how good it feels to not be glued to your phone. Your new mantra is: “Before mobile phones, people had to make plans and actually stick to them”. Use it as often as possible throughout the day.

Go back to books
You don’t actually have to read them, but gratuitously opening a hardback on the train while everyone else stares mindlessly at their handsets will release a powerful surge of superiority that will take your mind off the fact that you’re missing out on cat memes.

Carry a Casio scientific calculator
Keep an old-school scientific calculator to hand in case of emergency. If you feel the need to mindlessly press buttons and stare, just whip it out and entertain yourself by pressing the square root button over and over, and typing 5318008 and chuckling to yourself like a nincompoop.

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'This is a witch hunt' says man who would have happily burnt women at stake 400 years ago

MEN are being subjected to a witch hunt according to a man who would have burnt a woman at the stake 400 years ago for turning down his sexual advances.

Norman Steele and his friends have cried ‘witch hunt’ in response to the ‘Me Too’  campaign in much the same way they would have cried ‘witchcraft’ at a woman in the 17th Century who objected to being groped.

Steele said: “Obviously our spiritual mentor Peter Hitchens has already put this more eloquently than I ever could, but it’s time to fight back.

“It’ll take a little bit more than a huge shift in societal consciousness to stop us doing what we want.”

Steele added: “Is there any chance we can just start accusing them of being witches again?”