Are you still pissed from last night? Take the Mash test

IF YOU spent last night drinking heavily then there’s a good chance that you are still pissed. Take our simple test to find out.

How did you make a cup of coffee this morning/afternoon?

A. You put on the kettle, put the coffee in the cup, then added the hot water mixed with milk and sugar.

B. You put the kettle on without any water in it, then dropped the mug onto the floor making it smash into a thousand pieces, before then getting another mug, then having to stop for a minute to have a bit of a cry, putting the coffee in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard and then going back to bed.

You notice that you sent your ex a late night message. How do you react?

A. You say ‘Oh well, these things happen and I’m sure they’ll understand that I was just a little drunk.’

B. You become panic stricken. You go to call them but then decide not to. You text them instead and say it was just a mistake, you were drunk and you were actually having a really great time without them so why would they make a big deal out of it. By the way you saw their new profile picture and they don’t suit that top even if they have lost a bit of weight.

You try to go to the bathroom. What happens?

A. You gingerly make your way to the bathroom and have a quick shower which makes you feel better.

B. You bump into everything possible on the way including the couch in the living room somehow even though you don’t remember going in there. You black out for a bit, then find yourself hunched over the toilet saying ‘This can’t go on.’

Mostly As – you should probably have a roast dinner and then you’ll be right as rain.

Mostly B – you’re well and truly still smashed from the night before and your actual hangover won’t kick in until tomorrow morning when you arrive at work for that big meeting about whether they’re going to sack you.

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The days are getting longer, confirm cheerful twats

PEOPLE who insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain.

As the country lurches wounded through soul-sucking darkness, a small army of sunny-side-up halfwits are managing to make things worse by claiming spring is almost here.

Web designer Nathan Muir said: “If we’re being strictly scientific than maybe it was three minutes lighter today than last week, but if you make a point of telling me that I will assume that you are out of your mind.

“January and February are survivable if you keep your head down, drink to oblivion as often as possible and surrender yourself to the never-ending night.”

Nikki Hollis, from Leeds, added: “The signs of spring are birds chirping and leaves on trees. A sunny disposition is not the same as actual sunshine. And prolonged exposure to it is far more harmful.

“It doesn’t matter if the sun rises at 8.02am or 7.47am, I’m still delayed in the gloom at Croydon and trying to work out why the Metro is a successful newspaper.”