'Bring back British hand swearing'

THE traditional British V-sign is being undermined by the transatlantic ‘middle finger’ type of hand abuse, it has been claimed.

Etiquette expert Emma Bradford said the V-sign was as ‘quintessentially British as PG Wodehouse playing croquet with a tea-sipping bulldog on a late summer’s day’ but is in danger of being lost forever.

She added: “There is no more elegant way to express such sentiments as ‘up yours’, ‘fuck you’ or ‘I’m going to get out and chin you at the next set of lights, you piece of shit’.

“The V-sign dates from Norman times, when it was a ribald display by British archers to show the French that they still had their bow fingers, which would have been severed were they captured.

“Yes, I know – insulting the French. How good is that?”

“The ‘middle digit’, by contrast, is a dreadful thing of vague American provenance.

“Probably something to do with burgers, or Elvis.”

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Man tells usual Friday lie about not spending entire weekend playing videogames

A 28-YEAR-OLD has once again pretended he has genuine plans for the weekend.

Nathan Muir, who lives on his own in a city-centre apartment, tiredly told questioning colleagues he might go to a bar or gig when he actually intends to collect all the skulls in Halo 5.

He said: “The deceit is killing me. Why must I feign having a life?

“Just once I’d like to say ‘I’m going home, I’m firing up the console before I get my coat off, and it’ll probably be 9pm before I even order pizza. Because I can, and if you could so would you.’

“But instead I pretend that I’m not doing the exact thing I want to do all weekend long and invent the kind of tedious social obligations that I’ll be blissfully ignoring for Titanfall 2. 

“It’s not my fault they’ve all got kids and want to live vicariously though me. I shouldn’t have to make up some fantasy life where I go to a ‘restaurant’ with ‘friends’.

“Though it is useful when I’ve been on GTA Online until 4am, and I just act hungover.”