Stressed workaholic finds plenty of time to tell you about it

A MAN who is constantly ‘up to his eyes’ in work always has an hour free to complain about just hard he is working, it has emerged.

Tom Logan, 33, whose job is much more important than yours, regularly works 15-hour days, most of which is taken up telling anyone who will listen just how much more work he is doing than everyone else.

Colleague Emma Bradford said: “Tom always makes me feel like I’m not working hard enough. Then I look at my watch and realise that he’s been wanking on about his workload for most of the morning.

“For a workaholic Tom also seems to have a surprising amount of holidays and massage treatments.”

Logan said: “I’d love to chat but I’ve got another 12 to 15 hours to put in tomorrow. It’s absolutely manic at the moment.

“Talk to Emma Bradford, she knocks off at six like a useless part-timer who doesn’t even care about our employer JPC Vacuum-Formed Plastics Ltd.

“The manufacture and distribution of vacuum-formed plastics is just a job to her.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

I have always been an eco-warrior, by Theresa May

I HAVE always been a passionate supporter of the environment. Trees, ditches, wasps – these are all truly wonderful nature things.

Even as a child, nursing an injured worm back to health, I had a special connection to the Green and would often say things like, “Gosh mummy, aren’t Britain’s hedgerows with their diverse native species worthy of preserving for the benefit of future generations?”

When I ran through that field of wheat, I knew I was breaking man’s laws but I felt that I was the wheat, and the wheat was me. And that has never changed.

My ‘war on plastic’ was inspired by my childhood. I befriended a squirrel called Squirrelly, who sadly one day I found suffocated on a discarded plastic bag in the prime of his little rodent life, and this absolutely true story is what made me the committed eco-warrior I am today.

That’s why I have proposed concrete policies like having a good think about all this awful plastic by 2042, and making grotty corner shops charge 5p for their bags. I think that comprehensively covers everything we need to do to save the planet.

Cynics have claimed I’m just trying to appeal to younger voters who have somehow got the idea that Tories are lying scumbags. That’s simply not true. I’m doing this because every time I hear about a weasel who’s constipated from eating plastic beads I break down and sob uncontrollably.

So that is how I will save the environment. And before anyone asks why I don’t ban fracking, that’s because fracking happens underneath the environment.

Get your facts right, hippies.