The Mash guide to surviving the heatwave

THE sun is out and everyone is going to perish – except you.

With the heatwave set to continue, the average human’s chances of survival are virtually nil. Here’s how to improve your odds:

Build a machine like a tank but with a massive drill on the end. Then tunnel down through the Earth’s crust, reaching a more temperate land where prehistoric tribes live alongside giant dinosaur-like lizards. Rescue a gorgeous cave girl or boy who is cornered by a rival tribe. They will be called something like Ti-Wa or Gurt. Then run off into the jungle to eat strange fruit and have sex.

Desk work can be hell in the heat so get some time off by staring at the sun until you go blind. Then you can legitimately say you can’t see your computer screen, because your retinas have been incinerated.

Scientists say that drinking alcohol in the sun seriously increases your risk of dehydration. But then scientists say all sorts of things.

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself, spare a thought for the millions of people who live on the sun. The Sunnians have to deal with extreme temperatures every day.

Get an electric fan. These are also great for giving you a ‘flat top’ haircut if you turn them up to the top setting and place your hair inside the safety guard.

However tempting it may be, do not shake your fist at the sun. People who shake their fists at the sun tend to look insane, more importantly you might anger it then who knows what it might do.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Heatwave provides excuse to eat f**k-off chunk of ice cream on a stick

BRITAIN’S heatwave is providing an excellent excuse to eat a massive block of chocolate-coated ice cream on a stick.

27-year-old greedy person Tom Logan said: “On normal temperate days people would be pretty scathing if I ate a shitload of ice cream in the middle of the afternoon.

“But it’s sunny and so I need to ‘cool down’.

“Even though ice cream isn’t really ice. It’s more like cream.”