The Mash Guide to Vintage

Vintage is all the rage – it’s the style trend evoking a bygone era when people were polite, Arthur Askey was considered handsome and Nazi bombs rained from the sky in a hail of fiery death.

But there’s much more to the trend than simply describing any old shit as ‘vintage’ and flogging it to self-consciously twee young professionals.

To help you develop a discerning eye, here’s a short guide to some of the most desirable vintage items.

Vintage 1930s Manhole cover 

Price: £3000

The quality of workmanship on this drain covering indicates that it was made by someone really passionate about manhole covers.

You can imagine how some plucky fellow called Reg would have lifted this manhole cover –  while whistling a patriotic tune – then climbed down into a lake of piss and shit.

Vintage Nazi grenade

Price: £55,555

Grenades like this are very rare because most of them exploded.

Clearly this one has not exploded, but it could do at any moment, which is part of its charm.

Vintage Cold War era mutant

Price: £50000000000000000

This quirky retro mutant is the result of clandestine Russian nuclear tests on a village in the Urals.

He is called Sergei, and loves raw human meat.

 


Vintage racist views

Price: Free

Nothing says ‘yesteryear’ like animosity towards people with different skin tones.

Vintage cake organiser

Price: Sensible offers in region of 10K

Put your cakes on this. It’s really handy for organising your cakes, when you have loads of cakes all littering up your house.