The nervous Channel 4 executive’s guide to Leeds

Bring your own aubergines. The first and only aubergine introduced into Leeds was back in 1968. It was promptly beaten up on suspicion of being French and tossed on the next coach back to London.

No member of the Royal Family has visited Leeds since the Prince Of Wales did so by accident in 1909. However, in 1972, 20,000 people gathered in the City Square to witness the flyover of the royal private jet en route to Balmoral.

Yes, they do really speak like that.

Harvey Nichols opened a store in Leeds several years ago. However, despite it being rammed every day with curious shoppers, no one has yet made a purchase there. It has had to open up a buttie stall on the ground floor to generate any income at all.

One of the many attractions outside of Leeds is to visit the Hebblethwaite anvil museum. Located just three miles outside the town centre, it is a 45 minute ride by train, calling at Knobble, Hogpot, Ribblecock, Cleckuddersdwike, Spackman, Splogg, Dogshyte, Cuntersdale, Twatting-in-the-Vale and Gobton.

Although pound sterling is accepted in some of the grander shops, the local currency of the muckle (made up of 100 mickles) is preferred. Ask anyone at the railway station and they will gladly take your money off you. If they refuse payment by muckles in any of the pubs, ask them for a fight.