Which of this week's three historic Brexit votes are you?
THERE are three crucial Brexit votes this week: May’s deal, no-deal, and extending Article 50. But which one are you?
How would you describe yourself?
A) An abject failure, hated by everyone.
B) Completely insane, but demanding to be taken seriously.
C) I don’t know. Ask me again towards the end of June.
What would other people say is your key characteristic?
A) My stubborn refusal to see past my own flaws.
B) My willingness to commit massive harm out of spite.
C) Maybe indecisiveness? Not sure. I’ll come back to you
What is your best quality?
A) I exist and have been verified to do so by rational people. Otherwise not much.
B) My delusions. They’re absolutely fantastic. You should see them.
C) Great question. Really great question. Let me have a think.
What are your plans for the future?
A) To pretend I’m what everyone always wanted despite growing evidence to the contrary. And perhaps, one day, to exit my own, very personal backstop.
B) To lie on a sunlit upland, nude and magnificent, while being showered in large-denomination banknotes.
C) The future! Oh, I love the future.
Mostly As: You are today’s vote on Theresa May’s Brexit deal, and will be resoundingly rejected once again. But don’t worry, you’ll be back.
Mostly Bs: You are tomorrow’s vote on a no-deal Brexit, and will be rejected with overwhelming force. But they can’t actually get rid of you.
Mostly Cs: You are Thursday’s vote on extending Article 50, and you’ll be swinging by every few months for years and years and years.