Which of this week's three historic Brexit votes are you?

THERE are three crucial Brexit votes this week: May’s deal, no-deal, and extending Article 50. But which one are you?

How would you describe yourself? 
A) An abject failure, hated by everyone.
B) Completely insane, but demanding to be taken seriously.
C) I don’t know. Ask me again towards the end of June.

What would other people say is your key characteristic? 
A) My stubborn refusal to see past my own flaws.
B) My willingness to commit massive harm out of spite.
C) Maybe indecisiveness? Not sure. I’ll come back to you

What is your best quality? 
A) I exist and have been verified to do so by rational people. Otherwise not much.
B) My delusions. They’re absolutely fantastic. You should see them.
C) Great question. Really great question. Let me have a think.

What are your plans for the future? 
A) To pretend I’m what everyone always wanted despite growing evidence to the contrary. And perhaps, one day, to exit my own, very personal backstop.
B) To lie on a sunlit upland, nude and magnificent, while being showered in large-denomination banknotes.
C) The future! Oh, I love the future.

Mostly As: You are today’s vote on Theresa May’s Brexit deal, and will be resoundingly rejected once again. But don’t worry, you’ll be back.
Mostly Bs: You are tomorrow’s vote on a no-deal Brexit, and will be rejected with overwhelming force. But they can’t actually get rid of you.
Mostly Cs: You are Thursday’s vote on extending Article 50, and you’ll be swinging by every few months for years and years and years.

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Man on Amsterdam citybreak brings back more from Europe than Theresa May

A MAN returning from an Amsterdam citybreak has returned with more substantive benefits than Theresa May from Strasbourg. 

Nathan Muir, who flew out to the Netherlands capital on Friday, came back yesterday with a pair of decorative clogs, a pack of pornographic playing cards, and a box of windmill biscuits with more to come.

He said: “I wasn’t even trying and I’ve got more than a joint legally binding instrument.

“Strasbourg isn’t the ‘Dam, obviously. Doesn’t have all its relaxed laws. But I could have picked up one of those big round cheeses with no effort at all, and that would’ve had more chance of impressing the ERG.

“Plus, and this beats strengthened wording, I’ve got one-and-a-half grams of blueberry haze in a birthday card sent to a false name at my address. Gareth says they never check.

“If that gets through then there’s no doubt I’ve got far more than she’s managed and in a single trip. Take a leaf from my book, Mrs May.”

Muir has, unknown to him, also brought back a case of crab lice the benefits of which he will pass on to several other Britons.