The life and times of a Brexiter who shouts at TV cameras outside Parliament

HELLO, I’m one of those men who shouts a lot outside of Parliament whenever I see someone being interviewed on camera. I mostly just shout ‘Leave’ but sometimes I do other things. Here’s how I spend my day…

8am: Wake up from a dream where I’m playing chess against Emanuel Macron. I don’t know how to play chess and when I realise this in the dream I just shout ‘Leave!’ and turn into a post box. Then I get out of bed, stick the kettle on and shout at the television.

9.30am: Arrive at Parliament. I stick up my seven Union Jacks then keep my eyes peeled for any cameras or journalists knocking round so I can start shouting ‘Leave!’ while they interview a traitor.

12 noon: Lunch. I buy a savoury cheese sandwich from Tesco and shout ‘Leave’ at the young man on the checkout after he fails to complain angrily about traitors.

12.30pm to 5pm: Look out for anyone being interviewed and shout loudly in the background. I see my role as preventing Kay Burley or Simon McCoy off the BBC from doing their jobs properly. Just your everyday stuff and not weird at all.

5pm- 11pm: After a day of shouting I go to the pub. I ask for a pint of mild and then shout ‘Leave!’ at the barman. It really is hard to turn off from work sometimes. I’ll often notice someone being filmed by their friend on a mobile phone and march up and down in the background shouting ‘Leave’ at the top of my lungs, like a perfectly normal British man.


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Adults told to stop putting two words together to make a swear word

ADULTS have been urged to stop making up meaningless compound swear words like ‘arsebucket’ and ‘tossgerbil’.

The practice of placing a random word after a swearword to form a whimsical compound like ‘twatkettle’ has spread from middle-class student houses to places inhabited by normal grown ups.

Linguist Dr Helen Archer said: “An adult adding an object after a swearword to make a new word is the semantic equivalent getting one one of those mini scooters, painting some stripes on it and riding it into a canal.”

Experts fear that if Britain’s adults do not sort themselves out proper swearing could die within 30 years.

Pub landlord Martin Bishop said: “Last week someone made a remark about my mother and I called him a ‘cockparrot’.

“I had to go out the back and kick my own head in.”