Who do you want a war with? Take the Mash test

DECLARING war is this season’s hottest trend – but who or what should you start a war against?

Take our test to find out who is your main enemy.

1. What are you trying to defend?

A – Fried breakfasts, pound coins and the right to skull near-suicidal amounts of lager on a bi-weekly basis.

B – That nice tree you recently planted in the garden.

C – The rights of the workers who are being oppressed by some fat bastard.

D – Must kill the robots.

2. What sort of war leader are you?

A – Like Churchill, at least in terms of body fat ratio.

B – Basically pretty cool.

C – I see war as more of a collaborative process where everyone does lots of brainstorming sessions and gets 35 days annual leave plus Bank Holidays.

D – Must kill the robots.

3. What quote will you most be remembered for?

A – “I think I fucked up again.”

B – “If anyone’s got a green Ford Ka can you please move it?”

C – “The times they are a-changing.”

D – “Must kill the robots.”

4. What is your most brilliant strategy?

A – Just generally blaming all of life’s woes on a randomly-selected enemy, that sort of thing.

B – Rolling your eyes and mouthing the word ‘boring’ when anyone disagrees with you.

C – Googling ‘brilliant strategies’.

D – “Must kill the robots.”


Mostly As – You are at war with France. Should not be too difficult.

Mostly Bs – You are at war with squirrels. Get a tetanus jab.

Mostly Cs – You are at war with Sports Direct. Remember they may be closed over Easter.

Mostly Ds – Robots.

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Baby relying on cuteness to compensate for being essentially evil

A BABY is relying on his small size and chubby features to compensate for his evil personality.

Three-month old Tom Booker does not give a shit about anyone else and has a meltdown unless a parent is constantly fawning over him.

However everyone agrees that this is acceptable because he is small and has a round face.

Booker said: “If I was a bit bigger, even the size of a small badger, everyone would think I’m a bastard. But when you’re this tiny and have a plump body with no muscle definition, people just love to help you.

“Seriously I get away with more shit than a supermodel. You cannot overplay the cuteness card.”

Booker’s mother Fiona said: “Yesterday he puked in my ear and I don’t think it was an accident.

“I don’t mind though, because he sometimes holds the tip of my finger in his tiny little hand, and for some annoying reason I find that amazing.”