Supermarket shoppers baffled by basic hygiene

SUPERMARKET customers cannot grasp hygiene concepts such as not manhandling bread then putting it back on the shelf, it has emerged.

Millions of shoppers believe unpackaged food items do not need to be purchased even after being thoroughly fondled, sneezed on or even licked.

Pensioner Martin Bishop said: “Whenever you see a bread roll that looks as if a seagull’s been pecking at it, that will have been me testing its structural integrity.

“I particularly like to give the croissants a good feel because of their sensual sponginess. If I drop one on the floor I always give it a good wipe on my trousers before putting it back in the tray.

“We weren’t obsessed with germs when I was a lad and nothing terrible ever happened to us except fevers, agonising stomach cramps and going blind for a week.”

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “My kids love playing with the colourful iced doughnuts in the supermarket. It doesn’t matter if they lick them because my children are perfect in every way, including their saliva.

“The fruit and veg section is like an activity centre for them. I realise some people might not want to buy aubergines with eyes and a mouth scratched into them, but I don’t want to stunt their creativity.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Guardian editor spotted at Guardian Masterclass on making money from journalism

THE editor of the Guardian has attended a Guardian-run ‘masterclass’ explaining how to make money from journalism.

Katharine Viner was seen frantically scribbling notes at the two-day course, which was delivered by a teenage fashion blogger whose income is several times higher than that of the entire Guardian Media Group. It included modules on blogging, pitching to editors and making industry contacts.

Fellow attendee Mary Fisher said: “She was completely engrossed and asked some good questions about networking skills and how to get Google Ads on your blog.

“I saw some of her doodles too – there was a sad face, a heart emblazoned with ‘I love news’ and a sketch of Alan Rusbridger with crosses for eyes.”

At the end of the class, participants were greeted by Owen Jones and Polly Toynbee rattling charity buckets.