Why I'm treating Brexit as if it were an allotment border dispute, by Jeremy Corbyn

WHILE other people at least try to sort this out, I’m going to hide in my shed and busy myself with my seed library.

As for everyone else – Jacob Rees-Mogg is the type of man who would concrete over the whole allotment and build a block of luxury flats in its place, but at least he’s got an opinion.

David Miliband is the part-timer who abandons his plot for years, returns when it’s a jungle of nettles, makes a fuss about sorting it all out and then buggers off again when he realises how much work it’ll be.

Boris Johnson would turn up in a big bluster to insist he knows exactly where the border should be, but then get bored and piss on someone’s cabbages for a laugh.

Theresa May is the chair of the allotment committee who is trying so hard to please everyone that she’s on the verge of cracking and running amok with the weed killer.

Every so often I’ll come out of my shed and tell them they’re wrong, but refuse to offer any alternatives.

But if anyone wants to know about ethical slug traps made from old plant pots, give me a shout.

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Man dressed head-to-toe in Union Jacks looking forward to having his opinion taken seriously

A MAN who dresses head to toe in Union Jacks is looking forward to being treated as if he were normal this weekend.

Retired engineer Norman Steele simply cannot wait to be interviewed for global television, where he will give the impression that all Britons are fanatical about the royal family.

Steele said: “I’ve ironed my best Union Jack suit and I’ve got lots of little Union Jack flags and they’ll be getting a good waving, you can be sure of that.

“But what I’m looking forward to most is for journalists from round the world taking my photograph and treating me like I’m in any way representative of anyone else in this country’s feelings towards the royal wedding.

“They’ll be seeing me in newspapers all the way to Timbuktu with a caption underneath that reads ‘Britons Overjoyed’.

He added: “Did I mention I had a workplace injury a few years back?”