WITH only a whole month until Christmas, coffee chains have unveiled their traditional ranges of batshit festive food.
The trend – which started with the relatively humble roast turkey sandwich – has now become a yearly phenomenon in which coffee vendors create terrible food combinations that appear to have come to them in a bad dream.
Since early 2022, boffins from Costa and Starbucks have been locked inside test kitchens perfecting inedible dishes such as Boxing Day Leftover Soup and whatever the f**k Brussels Sprout Pesto is.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We call it ‘The Heston Principle’ because as soon as he did that disgusting Christmas pudding with an orange inside for Waitrose the entire catering profession lost its mind.
“The big coffee chains are already serving turkey and all the trimmings toasties and ‘Christmas mac and cheese’, which I am still struggling to comprehend.
“If the trend continues expect food crimes like a whole roast turkey in a giant mug, sage and onion stuffing doughnuts with a gravy dipping sauce, and, thanks to breakthroughs in bioengineering, a life-sized gingerbread man who follows you home if you don’t finish him.
“The average Brit wants to bin the wanky oak, soya and almond milks and fill their coffee cup with warm Baileys. Sadly, this is being ignored and we’ll have to drink pigs-in-blankets spiced lattes with Brussels sprouts floating on top.”