Coffee shops unveil their f**king psychotic Christmas menus

WITH only a whole month until Christmas, coffee chains have unveiled their traditional ranges of batshit festive food.

The trend – which started with the relatively humble roast turkey sandwich – has now become a yearly phenomenon in which coffee vendors create terrible food combinations that appear to have come to them in a bad dream.

Since early 2022, boffins from Costa and Starbucks have been locked inside test kitchens perfecting inedible dishes such as Boxing Day Leftover Soup and whatever the f**k Brussels Sprout Pesto is.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We call it ‘The Heston Principle’ because as soon as he did that disgusting Christmas pudding with an orange inside for Waitrose the entire catering profession lost its mind.

“The big coffee chains are already serving turkey and all the trimmings toasties and ‘Christmas mac and cheese’, which I am still struggling to comprehend. 

“If the trend continues expect food crimes like a whole roast turkey in a giant mug, sage and onion stuffing doughnuts with a gravy dipping sauce, and, thanks to breakthroughs in bioengineering, a life-sized gingerbread man who follows you home if you don’t finish him.

“The average Brit wants to bin the wanky oak, soya and almond milks and fill their coffee cup with warm Baileys. Sadly, this is being ignored and we’ll have to drink pigs-in-blankets spiced lattes with Brussels sprouts floating on top.”

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How to find the right work/life/obsessing about immigration balance

IF you’re British it can be hard to juggle a demanding job with family life and constantly worrying about immigration. Here life coach Nikki Hollis explains how to make time for your unhealthy obsession.

Decide what really matters to you 

Is your career less important to you these days? Alternatively you might feel stifled by family life. Maybe what’s most precious to you is saying ‘F**k off, we’re full!’ every time immigration is mentioned? It should be the last one. What are you, some Remoaner who hates British war veterans?

Learn to prioritise 

Don’t just comply with every demand on your time. Step back and ask yourself: do you really need to go to your daughter’s fifth birthday party when there’s an important phone-in about immigration on LBC? You’ve only got one chance to enjoy this moment of racists rambling incoherently to Nick Ferrari. Until tomorrow, anyway.

Listen to your body

Do you feel tired all the time? It’s a sure sign you’re working too hard, trying to be a perfect parent and still finding time to be furious about immigration. Start getting a good night’s sleep without fail. Remember to keep a hammer under your pillow to fight off Albanian pimps who want you for their brothel. Yes, even a paunchy 40-year-old man. They’re that evil.

Don’t neglect your own hobbies and interests

Your wife can have her birthday meal on her own. She can take a book or something. You’re spending the night camped on the cliffs of Dover with a pair of binoculars looking for dinghies and dialling 999 whenever you think you see one, although it might just be a wave. You deserve quality ‘me time’.

Ringfence your time

At work start knocking off promptly at 5.30pm and be strict about it. It’s the only way you’ll be able to put in the time on newspaper comment sections posting illiterate rants about ‘millions of Siryans coming hear for a free TVs’.

Have realistic goals 

You can’t be expected to work like a slave, be mum or dad of the year and singlehandedly repel the foreign hordes sent to replace indigenous Brits by Cultural Marxists. You’re not superman or woman. Which is a shame, because you could rotate the Earth backwards to the utopia of the 1950s, when the only foreign language you’d hear was ‘Ve hef vays of making you talk!’ at the pictures.

Reap the benefits

A good work/life/immigration balance is totally achievable. You’ll be more energised, see less of your kids, not give a toss about work and spend thousands of hours being pointlessly triggered by tabloid headlines. So start making changes NOW.