GROUPIES don’t just have sex with band members willy-nilly, they have a strict and logical ranking system in place. Here Nikki Hollis reveals the sometimes surprising order of shaggability.
5. Keyboard player
For when there’s no one else available. He’ll usually be found composing a new tune because he’s ‘the real creative force in the band’. He’ll blather on about his classical training and how he’s heavily influenced by Bach’s use of diminished seventh chords. If you’re still awake, don’t ask to do it on his keyboard, he won’t like that.
4. Bass guitarist
These quiet types are a steady, methodical shag. You know exactly what you’re getting: zero foreplay, no chat, and the opportunity to text people during sex. The lack of glamour is an obvious drawback, but chances are he’ll check whether you’re up to date with your Covid vaccinations, and give some post-coital advice on your tax return.
3. Lead singer
The lead singer wrongly assumes he’s the first-choice shag, like Jim Morrison. But then Jim Morrison was an enormous twat. A frontman prefers to be fellated as he’s too important to waste time and energy on sex, or to return the compliment. Even then he’d phone the band’s manager complaining his tongue was exhausted and demand a ‘tongue massage’.
2. Lead guitarist
The genuine creative talent of the band, he believes, whatever the keyboard player may say. His creativity is well-hidden though, as he nerdily rambles on about his 1952 Fender ‘Strat’ and threatens to show you his utterly useless paintings. Just make sure you can stand him noodling away on his guitar all the bloody time, possibly also during sex.
The true wild man of the band. The drummer will work himself into a frenzy when performing and needs and a great deal of sex to wind down. You needn’t worry about him being sexually unadventurous, because he’s just driven a car into a swimming pool on a near-lethal cocktail of heroin and cough mixture. Maybe don’t make any long-term plans, though.