The shagging order for band members ranked, by groupies

GROUPIES don’t just have sex with band members willy-nilly, they have a strict and logical ranking system in place. Here Nikki Hollis reveals the sometimes surprising order of shaggability.

5. Keyboard player

For when there’s no one else available. He’ll usually be found composing a new tune because he’s ‘the real creative force in the band’. He’ll blather on about his classical training and how he’s heavily influenced by Bach’s use of diminished seventh chords. If you’re still awake, don’t ask to do it on his keyboard, he won’t like that.

4. Bass guitarist

These quiet types are a steady, methodical shag. You know exactly what you’re getting: zero foreplay, no chat, and the opportunity to text people during sex. The lack of glamour is an obvious drawback, but chances are he’ll check whether you’re up to date with your Covid vaccinations, and give some post-coital advice on your tax return.

3. Lead singer

The lead singer wrongly assumes he’s the first-choice shag, like Jim Morrison. But then Jim Morrison was an enormous twat. A frontman prefers to be fellated as he’s too important to waste time and energy on sex, or to return the compliment. Even then he’d phone the band’s manager complaining his tongue was exhausted and demand a ‘tongue massage’.

2. Lead guitarist

The genuine creative talent of the band, he believes, whatever the keyboard player may say. His creativity is well-hidden though, as he nerdily rambles on about his 1952 Fender ‘Strat’ and threatens to show you his utterly useless paintings. Just make sure you can stand him noodling away on his guitar all the bloody time, possibly also during sex. 

1. Drummer

The true wild man of the band. The drummer will work himself into a frenzy when performing and needs and a great deal of sex to wind down. You needn’t worry about him being sexually unadventurous, because he’s just driven a car into a swimming pool on a near-lethal cocktail of heroin and cough mixture. Maybe don’t make any long-term plans, though.

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How to f**k up tasks spectacularly so your partner has to do them

DOES your partner keep unfairly expecting you to share tasks equally? Here’s how to get them so horribly wrong they will be forced to take over indefinitely.

Buying a present

It’s a straightforward gift, maybe chocolates for your neighbour Lynne who watered your plants while you were on holiday. That’s super-predictable though, so how about vibrating love eggs? You’ll never be asked to buy Thorntons again.

Dressing smartly for an important event

‘Smart’ is subjective. Black jeans are smart. Your ancient sports jacket is a jacket, therefore smart. A Fred Perry shirt is very formal compared to your Rolling Stones ‘Hot Lips’ t-shirt. Jesus, how smart do you need to be for a funeral anyway? Basically, if you look like Pete Doherty after a 72-hour binge, your partner will have all your clothes laid out ready for you next time and will even do your tie so you don’t look as if you’ve tried to garrotte yourself.


If you’ve finished breeding or have no wish to start you both have a big vested interest in avoiding unwanted pregnancy. Big enough to terrify your partner into taking responsibility, whether it’s with an IUD, the pill, condoms or ‘the snip’. Find pictures of screaming babies and say things like ‘Aw, isn’t that cute?’ That will make sure they don’t forget.


A great chance to get out the weedkiller and recreate the chemical bombing of the Ho Chi Minh Trail. However massacre US forces (flowers) and Viet Cong (weeds) indiscriminately. You’ll immediately be placed on non-combat duties, eg. filling the bird feeder occasionally.

Doing a big shop

There’s just no way you can not f**k this up. Straight away delete from your list essential items such as milk and bog paper. Return way over budget with items which are interesting – a frozen lobster, a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, a balls trimmer – rather than capable of being turned into a meal. Be sure to take your kids, who are experts on nutrition and will gladly go and fetch 12 large bags of vitamin-packed, high-fibre Haribo.

Picking the kids up from school

Simply ‘forget’ and let your phone run out of charge to avoid the bleating of your kids, partner and teachers. So what if they’re still at the gates at 7pm, or have to walk eight miles home? They’re always saying today’s cosseted kids don’t go adventuring outdoors enough. You can’t have it both ways, society.