Family starts new Christmas tradition of staring at Nan through window

A LOVING family has started a magical new festive tradition of peering at elderly relatives through glass. 

The Johnsons are determined not to leave their oldest family members to enjoy a moment of the festivities in peace despite the pandemic.

Francesca Johnson said: “These are special times to share as a family. We’re making memories of shouted one-way conversations with our elders that will last a lifetime.

“Seeing their faces light up with a mixture of confusion and annoyance when we wave at them through their back windows has been magical.”

Helen Johnson, 84, said: “It’s such a relief not to have to be in the same house as those boring people for once.

“I only wish they weren’t hanging around steaming up my windows with all the chat I can’t hear because I deliberately didn’t put my hearing aids in this morning.

“I’ve slipped a fiver in each of their Christmas cards, and promised to stay alive until I get the vaccine. What more do I have to do to get them to leave me the f**k alone for once?”

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Man taking shots of Gaviscon like tequila

A DAD is getting into the party spirit by doing repeated shots of Gaviscon.

Bill McKay, aged 43, who has spent days consuming nothing but meat, cheese, biscuits, chocolate and beer, is knocking back the shots grim-faced after belching acid.

He said: “Christ, that’s bad. Line up another one. Do one yourself if you want. It’s chalky, but that’s what you want.

“I’ve no idea why this happens, it’s completely random. I’ve been eating quite healthily, you know I had a banana yesterday? Was it yesterday? No, it was the 23rd.

“Rennies? Double-dropped two earlier, but they’re not really touching the sides. That’s when I broke a bottle of the good stuff out from the back of the bathroom cabinet.

“I think maybe some of those Quality Street were off. Or those pies. Perhaps it was a bad idea to finish off the pigs-in-blankets at 2am. Scuse me while I sink another Gavi.”

By evening McKay is expected to have abandoned his Ibiza ’02 shot glass and be swigging straight from the bottle.