How to deal with the paranoia after getting shitfaced at a Christmas work do

DID you get way too pissed at your Christmas work party and now have to face being in the office again? Here’s how to cope.

Don’t try to sober up

If you were so horribly slaughtered you’re still drunk when you wake up, run with it. Have a shower to try and hide the stink of booze leaching from every pore, but don’t fight being pissed. If you sober up, you’ll start wondering why Annette on reception is giving you odd looks.

Avoid the staff kitchen

You normally enjoy pretending it takes 25 minutes to make a cup of tea while you yap in the kitchen, but avoid it like the plague today. A co-worker might gleefully relate how you puked up on Trudy from marketing’s sofa then stumbled off into the night to go to Spearmint Rhino. It’s best not to know.

Spend a lot of time in the toilet

If you can get through this crippling hangover without seeing many people, you’ll feel much better tomorrow and be able to laugh off any embarrassing misadventures. Hiding in the toilets not only shelters you from the jeers of colleagues, but means you can lie down on the nice, cool floor when another wave of nausea overtakes you.

Pretend you’re working very hard

Avoid Steve from accounts rocking up to your desk and calling you a ‘total leg’ for downing a pint of lager and belching the Eastenders theme to the MD by pretending you’re incredibly busy today. If possible, put headphones on and join some Zoom strategy meetings you don’t really need to be in. Even that f’**king tedium is better than being reminded of your terrible behaviour.

Call in sick

Got a vague memory of telling your boss you’d ask them out if they were 25 years younger? Better call in sick. Yes, it’s highly suspicious but they will be equally pleased not to see you, because they also remember you crying about your ex for 40 minutes, which you’ve conveniently blanked out.

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Seven great freezing weather sex tips

DETERMINED not to let sub-zero temperatures stop you having a shag? Here’s how to lead a full and active sex life without your bits snapping off.

Abandon all self-respect and do it in a slanket

There’s room for two and it will keep you warm. The only downside is that wearing a slanket is more demeaning than wanking off random strangers for small change. If you don’t mind looking like a sad bastard in an XXXL Jedi robe, go for it.

Be prepared for ‘shrinkage’

A cold environment will cause what doctors refer to as ‘winkie shrinkage’. This is temporary and you don’t need penis enlargement surgery like twats who think women are only attracted to men with massive elephant dongs. For their part, women should be understanding, and not laugh contemptuously at their partner’s penis any more than usual.

Wear a hat

Fifty per cent of your body heat is lost through your head, or 10 per cent if you don’t believe bullshit factoids. It’s still worth wearing a hat for sex, ideally a nice warm woolly one. It helps if you’re really gagging for it, as you’re about to pork, or be porked by, Benny from Crossroads.

Breasts are not hand warmers

Despite the pawing men like to give them, breasts are actually quite sensitive, so don’t just grab them with icy hands. It’s also more erotic if you don’t say things like: ‘You’ve got lovely toasty funbags! It’s like stroking a warm dog!’

Don’t add so many blankets you can’t move

It’s tempting to keep piling blankets onto your bed until you’re unable to move under the sheer weight of linen, duvets and eiderdowns. Not ideal sexually, unless you’ve got some weird kink where you get off on being completely immobilised and unable to come, in which case you’d be better off at a Max Mosley-style BDSM club.

Cancel your plans for outdoor sex

Outdoor sex right now won’t be exciting, it’ll be bloody unpleasant. And any polar explorer will tell you it’s possible for your penis to become so numb with cold it can snap off without you noticing, forcing you to go back and look for it a field. Women’s genitals are snugly tucked away, but it’s not worth the risk. It’s bad enough having thrush, never mind frostbite.

Spanking is cheaper than putting the central heating on 

Spanking makes your skin glow, so you’ll have a warm arse if nothing else. There’s just one hidden danger of spanking that no one talks about – it’s incredibly boring. Make sure you and your partner have a good book to read while you perform this thrillingly taboo act of erotic ecstasy.