BEARS might be able to get by with the bare necessities, but the rest of us need money to pay for crap like bus fares and council tax. Here are the Disney songs that fail to address the grinding misery of life.
Part of Your World – The Little Mermaid (1989)
‘I wanna be where the people are,’ warbles mermaid Ariel. Unfortunately she doesn’t know humans very well. If she did, she’d realise that people are generally noisy, inconsiderate arseholes. The kind who race round your estate at midnight with the music at full volume in the mistaken belief that everyone wants to be lulled to sleep with some Belgian hardcore.
When You Wish Upon a Star – Pinocchio (1940)
Anything you want can be yours if you just wish for it, according to Pinocchio. In the real world, meanwhile, you can wish for two weeks in the Caribbean as much as you like, but if you want it to happen, you have to pay for it by going to work with twats. Wake up and smell the coffee, wooden boy.
Hakuna Matata – The Lion King (1994)
‘No worries for the rest of your days’ only really applies to anyone born before 1960 who has a rock-solid pension scheme backed by a triple lock guarantee. The rest of us saps face working our fingers to the bone until death finally puts us out of our misery.
A Spoonful of Sugar – Mary Poppins (1964)
Julie Andrews implores the Banks children to find the fun in chores, which will magically make them enjoyable. Disney tried the same tactic with the song Whistle While You Work in Snow White. We’ve tried and there’s just no way to make cleaning a blocked drain fun, even if you pretend the turds are having a race to the sewage treatment plant and you’re Murray Walker commentating on the start of the race.
A Whole New World – Aladdin (1992)
According to Aladdin, the world is ‘shining, shimmering, splendid’. It maybe was when Aladdin was set, but parts of it are now uninhabitable toxic wastelands, we’ve successfully eradicated countless species and everyone living at sea level has a few sandbags stashed away, ready for when the Antarctic ice sheet goes tits up.
The Bare Necessities – The Jungle Book (1967)
Good old Baloo, with his rather naïve take on how to cope with life by forgetting about your worries and your strife. Unfortunately that kind of attitude lands you in court for forgetting to pay your speeding tickets, and in police cells for forgetting to turn up for your court case.
You’ve Got a Friend in Me – Toy Story (1995)
And seeing as we’re friends, I’m constantly going to borrow money from you and get you to help hump furniture about every time I move house. And when my wife kicks me out, I’ll be knocking on your door at 1am asking to stay in your spare room. It’ll just be for a couple of nights, I’ll promise, but I’ll still be there six weeks later like a particularly tenacious barnacle.