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Disney songs that are straight up talking out of their arse

BEARS might be able to get by with the bare necessities, but the rest of us need money to pay for crap like bus fares and council tax. Here are the Disney songs that fail to address the grinding misery of life.

Part of Your World – The Little Mermaid (1989)

‘I wanna be where the people are,’ warbles mermaid Ariel. Unfortunately she doesn’t know humans very well. If she did, she’d realise that people are generally noisy, inconsiderate arseholes. The kind who race round your estate at midnight with the music at full volume in the mistaken belief that everyone wants to be lulled to sleep with some Belgian hardcore.

When You Wish Upon a Star – Pinocchio (1940)

Anything you want can be yours if you just wish for it, according to Pinocchio. In the real world, meanwhile, you can wish for two weeks in the Caribbean as much as you like, but if you want it to happen, you have to pay for it by going to work with twats. Wake up and smell the coffee, wooden boy.

Hakuna Matata – The Lion King (1994)

‘No worries for the rest of your days’ only really applies to anyone born before 1960 who has a rock-solid pension scheme backed by a triple lock guarantee. The rest of us saps face working our fingers to the bone until death finally puts us out of our misery.

A Spoonful of Sugar – Mary Poppins (1964)

Julie Andrews implores the Banks children to find the fun in chores, which will magically make them enjoyable. Disney tried the same tactic with the song Whistle While You Work in Snow White. We’ve tried and there’s just no way to make cleaning a blocked drain fun, even if you pretend the turds are having a race to the sewage treatment plant and you’re Murray Walker commentating on the start of the race.

A Whole New World – Aladdin (1992)

According to Aladdin, the world is ‘shining, shimmering, splendid’. It maybe was when Aladdin was set, but parts of it are now uninhabitable toxic wastelands, we’ve successfully eradicated countless species and everyone living at sea level has a few sandbags stashed away, ready for when the Antarctic ice sheet goes tits up.

The Bare Necessities – The Jungle Book (1967)

Good old Baloo, with his rather naïve take on how to cope with life by forgetting about your worries and your strife. Unfortunately that kind of attitude lands you in court for forgetting to pay your speeding tickets, and in police cells for forgetting to turn up for your court case.

You’ve Got a Friend in Me – Toy Story (1995)

And seeing as we’re friends, I’m constantly going to borrow money from you and get you to help hump furniture about every time I move house. And when my wife kicks me out, I’ll be knocking on your door at 1am asking to stay in your spare room. It’ll just be for a couple of nights, I’ll promise, but I’ll still be there six weeks later like a particularly tenacious barnacle.

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Electric blankets and other things old people weren't wrong about

OH how you used to laugh at the outdated ways old people kept warm. But now, as the cold snap bites, you realise they were right about these methods.

Electric blankets

‘What, duvet not good enough for you?’ you used to sneer to yourself as your gran hobbled off to fire up her electric blanket. But after giving it a go you realise you’ve been denying yourself years of toasty comfort. What else was the old bird right about? Did society write off Teasmades too soon as well? Better order one from Amazon and find out.

Hanging about in libraries

Despite containing vast swathes of your favourite thing – free content – libraries never appealed to you. That’s until you realised they’re snug public spaces where you can sit for hours without having to spend a fortune on coffee. You’d happily spend all day in your local library if it hadn’t been closed down due to lack of use by ungrateful young ’uns like yourself.

Cups of hot tea every half-hour

During the winter months old people like to keep topped up with a steady supply of tea or Ovaltine. The second their empty mug is placed on the table they’ll dart off to the kitchen to refill the kettle. You used to worry about what chronic caffeine dependency does to your body, but compared to the heart attack your next heating bill will give you it’s worth the risk.

Draught excluders

Laughably archaic to Gen Z, according to The Daily Telegraph. Nonetheless, draught excluders are an excellent way to plug the gaps around doors and windows, and sausage dog ones are a cheap pet ideal for a cramped rented flat. Although their phallic shape is probably deeply offensive and therefore they will undoubtedly be cancelled, in the batshit imaginings of the Telegraph.

Eiderdowns

These huge weighted duvets look like the sort of thing that people snuggled up under during the American Civil War, so what use could they possibly have in the modern world? Well, it turns out that some useful inventions are timeless and don’t need to be supported by a f**king app to work. A lesson that Sonos is yet to learn.

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