Six reflex responses when a man is told 'We need to talk'

‘WE need to talk’ is a phrase up there with ‘Guilty on all counts. Take the defendant down’. Here’s what a man will blurt out when these dread words are uttered.


The phrase ‘we need to talk’ suggest there’s been no specific transgression, just that a man’s entire personality is at fault. By asking ‘why?’ a man’s brain recognises it’s in peril and immediately switches mode to fight or flight, then does neither. It might have been easier to write anniversaries in a little book and feed the cat occasionally.

‘It wasn’t me’

Only dense American crime suspects on The World’s Dumbest Felons admit to wrongdoing before they’ve been charged. Further denials will only compound the problem, and dithering, confused apologies will prove to your partner you do indeed need to talk. 

‘I am talking’

This wiseass response is a dangerous high-risk strategy. You partner won’t fall for your unfunny logic and a Richter Scale rant will follow, although on the upside your input will no longer be needed. Other cute phrases like ‘Can we take a rain check?’ might buy some time, but only because your partner will wonder when you turned into an even bigger wanker.

‘You’ve done your hair’

Complimenting a partner on her appearance would normally be acceptable, but when dribbled out as a half-arsed diversion is catastrophically lame. Particularly if a partner hasn’t done her hair, or is unhappy with her currently styling, in which case you may as well kill yourself.

‘I don’t feel well’

This will be true, as fear grips your gut, but could be interpreted as unwillingness to participate. Which it is. Only use in a truly desperate situation, such as letting slip that a friend ‘looked nice’, meaning you hate everything about your partner and intend to sacrifice everything to shack up with said friend.

‘I love you’

The last roll of the dice. This reflex sentiment will be welcomed but will only buy between two and six seconds of grace. Your deep love for each other proves that any relationship problems must be hammered out in agonising detail. You f**king idiot.

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Which union boss you're furious with today: A guide

YOU have woken up and, as an ordinary, hard-working Briton, are furious with the boss of a union that’s on strike. But which one?

Commuters: Mick Lynch, RMT

As a regular rail commuter, you’re appalled that dome-headed Lynch and his cohort of communists are striking, forcing you to stay in bed later, not have to trek through sub-zero temperatures and work from home. Your self-righteous fury makes you just like Richard Madelely, as all men want to be.

Christmas card receiver: Dave Ward, CWU

The prospect of no Christmas cards arriving for two whole days, leaving your mantelpiece bare, has you in a frenzy. And it’s all the fault of Ward, who from his name alone is clearly an elitist Marxist hell-bent on bringing down a democratically elected government on its third prime minister in three years.

Illness sufferer: Pat Cullen, RCN

As a regular visitor to hospital you see how understaffed and overworked the nurses are, so you’re up in arms about their unreasonable demand for a pay rise keeping pace with inflation. Firebrand Cullen’s stirred them up or they’d certainly accept seven per cent pay cuts year-on-year.

Road user and international travel: Mark Serwotka, PCS

This is getting serious now. The roads are on strike? So nowhere will be connected to anywhere and all Britain will be fields? Oh, okay, well even if it is only driving instructors and traffic you’re steaming at Serwotka, who you read today earns a salary! How he’s got the f**king nerve you’ll never know. Labour scum.

Scottish frequent flyer: Sharon Graham, Unite

Well they know what they’re doing, don’t they? Shutting the Highlands and Islands Airports in the run-up to Christmas, just as you were idly considering a festive tour of Barra, Islay, Stornoway and Wick? The unsurpassable bastards, and Graham’s the greediest of the lot. You’ll certainly blame her and her union boss mates for this, and not the Tories.