BEFORE the internet gave us an infinite variety of porn, you had to scour some unlikely places to get your fix. Such as these.
Postcards
Credit due to the entrepreneur who first decided that, rather than the grim expanse of Rhyl beach, they should whack a pair of tits on postcards. And a small image of a woman in a bikini met the masturbatory needs of generations. Less compelling was the dreary account of a trip to the seaside on the other side.
Newspapers
A publication devoted to war, murders and natural disasters isn’t the obvious place a normal person would look for porn. Then in 1970 The Sun did its first topless Page 3. Since then tabloids have been a winning mix of death and tits. Even recently you probably read about 9/11 before turning the page to see Keeley’s twin towers.
Pottery
If you thought having to sneak downstairs to watch a muted VHS while your parents were asleep was a difficult way to consume pornography, then have sympathy for the ancient Greeks. These poor sods only had porn painted on the side of clay pots. Available to view in many museums, but imagine the shame of being caught wanking over an urn.
Cinemas
Not enough is made of the fact that, for a significant period of the 20th century, people used to flock to cinemas to masturbate. Thankfully, the internet has spared most modern perverts this indignity. The brave souls tasked with cleaning these cinemas after every screening should be honoured with a giant statue in Trafalgar Square of a man rubbing one out over Catwoman.
Art galleries
A school trip to an art gallery was never something you looked forward to – until you remembered that those kinky Renaissance artists couldn’t get enough of painting nudes. Nobody will maintain that trying to masturbate over the hazy memory of Botticelli’s ‘Birth of Venus’ was an easy wank, but in the 80s, you had to make do.
Catalogues
Barely needs mentioning, but the Kays or Freemans catalogue was the motherlode of porn substitutes. Even Argos catalogue had the odd babe in the shower section, presumably to subconsciously lure dads into buying a power shower. And knowing your dad, it would have worked.
