How to have a gammon Christmas

CHRISTMAS is a time for being bloody angry and having political correctness rammed down your throat. Here’s how to have a furious Little Englander Christmas.

Make up things to get angry about

They’re probably going to ban turkey in case it offends people from Turkey, right? Well, no, that would be ridiculous. But don’t let it stop you getting annoyed about it.

Let your imagination roam free and invent terrible things the EU and ‘PC brigade’ plan to do to Christmas as if they were real, eg. diversity quotas for Santa’s elves.

Watch Doctor Who purely so you can vent

You know Doctor Who is pretty right-on these days, so make sure you watch every second of this sickening travesty. Don’t enjoy getting angry too much and punch the screen in, because The Dam Busters is bound to be on at some point.

Plan your festive arguments

Gammons love ranting, so make a schedule, eg. ’23 December: Tell that idiot Charlotte to get her head out of her fucking arse about the federal European superstate. Remember to wrap her Elsa doll.’

Build an aggressively un-PC snowman

If it snows, build a snowman in the shape of a golliwog, spray paint it black, post the images on Facebook and wonder why you’ve suddenly lost your job.

Binge-watch Question Time

If you’ve recorded lots of episodes of Question Time on your Sky box you’ve basically got a huge box set similar to the The Walking Dead but starring wankers such as Farage and Isabel Oakeshott.  

Get snuggled up under the duvet and enjoy your favourite classic episodes, like the one where a Labour MP is unconvincingly trying to be pro- and anti-immigration at the same time.

Plan a January detox

However much you’ve enjoyed a gammon Christmas, it’s important to reduce your blood pressure. Eat more salads and only rant about ‘snowflakes’ twice a day.

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Single man steps up preparations for no-deal Brexit

A SINGLE man living alone has stepped up preparations for a no-deal Brexit by buying 24 tins of all-day breakfast and three crates of Stella. 

Nathan Muir has also laid in 48 Pot Noodles, a full cupboard of teabags and six litres of vodka as anaesthetic in case he has to perform surgery on himself. 

He said: “The freezer’s stocked with burgers, chicken burgers, chicken strips and fish fingers, which I can eat on their own if I can’t get bread for fish finger sandwiches. Got to be adaptable. 

“I haven’t got everything – I’ve not seen Moody Tony down the pub, so I’ve not been able to bulk-buy my smuggled tobacco yet – but there’s a six-pack of lighters all ready. 

“And on DVD I’ve got highlights of every Premier League season since 2005, all the Top Gears, and the porn that Matt left when he moved in with Lucy. Think there’ll be streaming? Dream on. 

“I’m ready for no-deal. When they’re out on the streets fighting to the death for a bottle of ketchup I’ll still be dipping my fries. Bring it on.” 

A spokesman for the Office of Emergency Preparedness said: “Mr Muir’s planning is laughable, pathetic and far more advanced than anything we have managed.”