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Mum wants to know what your Christmas argument plans are

YOUR mother would like to know what you want to have a row about this Christmas so she can plan accordingly.

With Christmas just weeks away, your organised mum needs to find out if you are planning to get annoyed at your dad’s political views over dinner, or if you are more in the mood for getting pissed off with probing questions about your personal life.

Your mum said: “You threw a childish tantrum over what we got you for your big present last year, remember? The shirt and tie set? So I’m guessing you don’t want to do that again so soon.

“Unresolved traumas are always popular. Would you like me to dredge up some repressed memories I can drop into conversation at the worst possible moment? Coming last at sports day maybe? I’d be happy to do that if you give me some notice.

“Arguments about money are a bit predictable, and I expect everyone will be doing them this year. But if you’ve got your heart set on that then send me some recent bank statements and I’ll start finding criticisms of your income and spending.

“If you’re not fussed either way we’ll keep it simple with a squabble about when we’re opening presents or what to watch on TV. You know, the traditional disagreements.”

Your dad said: “I’ve already sorted out an argument about your mum’s cooking for Boxing Day, so try to avoid that topic.”

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I am just the sort of credible celebrity supporter Reform needs. By Bonnie Blue

NIGEL Farage should be glad of my support. I’m practically a household name, I have a strong work ethic, and I’m not out of touch with young people, many of whom I have f**ked.

I feel I could be a huge asset to Reform with my talent for self-promotion and sleeping with horrible men. Would I consider having sex with 1,000 Reform members for the publicity? Yes I would, if the money’s right and the old gits can get it up.

Also I am much hotter than celebrity Labour supporters. Eddie Izzard looks like he’s sucked a few cocks in his time, but I doubt anyone would pay to watch it. Maxine Peake is quite fit but she’s really old. She should do an OnlyFans, lots of guys are into mature MILFs.

I think I’d be good at explaining Reform’s policies too. They’re right we should have less tax because the government shouldn’t be allowed to just help themselves to money you earned by working hard and chafing your fanny red raw. 

And immigration has got to stop because we’ve got too many foreigners coming here committing crimes. I admit my ‘barely-legal Bang Bus’ was technically against the law in Bali, but that was educational for teenagers, like helping them with their GCSEs.

I’m pretty sure I could win a load of seats for Reform too. I’m not mega-brainy but I am good with numbers, and apparently you can secure a marginal seat by winning over a relatively small number of voters. I’d only need to f**k a few hundred guys, and that’s totally doable.

So basically it’s a no-brainer for Reform to have me on board. I suppose the only question is, would I do a porno with Nigel? I’m afraid the answer is no. I’ve got my standards.

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