Only two of the busiest weeks left until the most stressful day of the year

THE public has been reminded there are only 14 of the most hellish days left until the most stressful time of the year.

As December continues its relentless march, Britons have been warned to brace for an onslaught of rabid shopping and overwhelming social obligations in the run up to a high-pressure day which will inevitably end in disappointment.

Joanna Kramer from Leeds said: “Thanks for the heads-up. In amongst planning everything, juggling work and multiple meet-ups with friends, I nearly forgot.

“Luckily I’ve got a special calendar which keeps me on track. Each day I open one of its little windows for a chocolatey reminder that time is slipping away and my to-do list is constantly growing.”

Stephen Malley from Plymouth said: “In the next fortnight I need to hit my work targets, go to a nativity play, do all my wrapping, post my cards, finalise what I’m doing on Christmas day and not go insane. Why do we all do this to ourselves?

“Couldn’t Christmas become like one of those things we quietly let die out in the pandemic like working in an office? Then we could spend the next two weeks half cut on the sofa watching Gremlins.

“Tell me that doesn’t sound better than whatever tedious and exhausting shit you have to do in the coming days. I dare you.”

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Six of the most annoying Christmas pub twats

PUBS are full of twats at the best of times. But at Christmas they’re filled with a special range of festive idiots, including these.

Work night out twats

These aren’t the average work night out twats you run into every Friday night. These are work night out twats on the cusp of a couple of weeks off and possibly fuelled by a Christmas bonus. That means they’ll all be at least triple-parked and blind drunk from the second you walk in. Expect them to either hit on you or puke on you.

Student twat

You thought your humble town had got rid of all its snooty academic types. Sadly not. They’ve boomeranged back home for the Christmas holidays, and have come armed with progressive world views they can’t wait to bore you with. Put them in their place by asking how many rounds they can afford with their student loan.

Old school friend twat

You drifted apart because you have nothing in common. But now fate and the obligation to visit your parents over Christmas have reunited you in your local. Steel yourself for lengthy conversations about a time you would rather forget with a person you don’t really know. Alternatively, get them to piss off by bringing up that embarrassing thing they did on the year 11 war graves trip.

Distant family member twat

Are they a second cousin or a step-nephew? It’s hard to tell. But they recognise you and are locking you into a deep, lengthy chat about the family. They might even invite you round for drinks on Boxing Day, which would force you into admitting that you’re not sure how you are related. Just nod along and pray they don’t invite themselves back to yours for a nightcap.

Pissed on mulled wine twat

To the untrained eye these are the same as regular wine twats. Look again. They reek of spice and are crowded around the simmering cauldron of Christmas plonk on the bar, thereby rendering it inaccessible. They’ve drunk twice the amount they usually would as, they insist, ‘the alcohol cooks off’. This is not true, as the gallons of red vomit they’ll produce in the pub garden later will prove.

Full of Christmas cheer twat

You just wanted a quiet pint of bitter but no, that’s impossible at this time of year. Instead you’ll have to endure the company of an optimistic twat banging on about the spirit of Christmas and wishing peace to all men. Sure, they’re cheerful now, but give it a few hours and their hangover will make them as miserable as you.