Bullies to infiltrate TED Conference

Thugs will take lunch money and flush heads down toilets at grade-A nerd fest.



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Gove reminds everyone how pointless the Queen is

MICHAEL Gove today called for everyone to get annoyed about the Queen’s unrelenting pointlessness.

The education secretary raised the prospect of buying the Queen a giant boat, reminding the country that it really needs to do something about this nonsense.

In a letter to the department of yachts, Gove said: “In the midst of recession there is always a risk that people focus too much on their own lives and forget how much money the Royal family has accumulated over the years for doing absolutely nothing.

“Perhaps the commissioning of a £60m boat would bring this situation into sharp relief as well as commemorating the Queen’s remarkable achievement of breathing in and out since 1952.”

But defenders of the monarchy attacked Gove, with some calling for him to be tried for treason and then hung in front of some tourists at the Tower of London.

Denys Finch-Hatton, editor of Mike’s Peerage, said: “Gove is nothing but a grubby communist agitator, getting people all worked up with his fancy letters.

“Meanwhile the Queen has shaken more hands than the combined number of hot dinners consumed by all the people who will build her new boat.

“And in between sitting on chairs, she even found time to provide the nation with three leeches and a horse botherer. I think we should build her a space ship.”

Bill McKay, professor of jubilee gift theory at Roehampton University said: “If the question is ‘what do you give the woman who has everything except a boat?’, the answer is not ‘a boat’.

“If you’re in a good mood then maybe it’s ‘a nice pen’ and if you’re in a bad mood then it’s ‘a copy of Das Kapital and 48 hours to leave the country’.”