Spurs fan to wake up in a damp bed

THE Tottenham Hotspur fan whose dream we are all part of will wake soon, blinking this universe out of existence, experts have claimed.

The impossible season took a further turn towards the somnambulantly weird yesterday after Arsenal were beaten 3-2 by Swansea before Thierry Henry turned into both Chas and Dave and led the away supporters in a singalong of There Ain’t No Pleasing You.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “We’re all a dream currently being had by a fat, middle-aged taxi driver from Edmonton. Which explains the recent slew of racism.

“It’s only Ray Wilkins’ beige commentary that’s keeping him asleep right now. If Sky start using Jonathan Pearce then things could change very suddenly.”

Hayes has pinpointed the exact moment the dream world was created as being when Liverpool paid £35m for an upright shire horse from Newcastle.

His theory has been strengthened by Rafael van Der Vart’s hamstrings failing to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces and Joey Barton morphing into Alain de Botton.

But cracks are already beginning to appear in the Spurs fan’s world with a draw against Wolves on Saturday and it could soon be yawned into nothingness with a simple scratch of the balls.

Hayes added: “I just hope I get to fondle my sixth-form French teacher before it ends.”


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The Artist named this year’s 'amaaayzing' film

A BLACK-and-white tribute to the golden age of silent cinema, has been
named this year’s most ‘amaaayzing’ film by people you will overhear in coffee shops.

The Artist formally replaces last year’s most ‘amaaayzing’ film, The King’s Speech, as of 20 January.

The art-house film has become a huge hit among people who know more about films than you do or who think their fondness for films you have not seen makes them more worthwhile than you are.

Amateur film critic Nathan Muir, 41, said: “I was told that The Artist was amaaayzing and I wasn’t disappointed.

“The use of black and white was amaaayzing, as was the soundtrack and the set design. I also spotted several obscure references that I’m sure not many other people did and this momentarily boosted up my sense of self.

“Which was amaaayzing.”

The film joins an illustrious list of ‘amaaayzing’ films from the last 30 years.

Previous title holders include Jane Campion’s The Piano with its amaaayzing cinematography, Luca Guadagnino’s I Am Love and its amaaayzing performances and Lars Von Trier’s Breaking the Waves about which both the cinematography and the performances were amaaayzing.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “But Breaking the Waves was unwatchable rubbish.

“Aaaah, right.”

The Artist is currently showing in cinemas where you can buy coffee in china cups, sit on a manky suede sofa and pay£7.50 for a tiny pot of Thai chilli bites.