Spurs fan to wake up in a damp bed

THE Tottenham Hotspur fan whose dream we are all part of will wake soon, blinking this universe out of existence, experts have claimed.

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The impossible season took a further turn towards the somnambulantly weird yesterday after Arsenal were beaten 3-2 by Swansea before Thierry Henry turned into both Chas and Dave and led the away supporters in a singalong of There Ain’t No Pleasing You.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “We’re all a dream currently being had by a fat, middle-aged taxi driver from Edmonton. Which explains the recent slew of racism.

“It’s only Ray Wilkins’ beige commentary that’s keeping him asleep right now. If Sky start using Jonathan Pearce then things could change very suddenly.”

Hayes has pinpointed the exact moment the dream world was created as being when Liverpool paid £35m for an upright shire horse from Newcastle.

His theory has been strengthened by Rafael van Der Vart’s hamstrings failing to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces and Joey Barton morphing into Alain de Botton.

But cracks are already beginning to appear in the Spurs fan’s world with a draw against Wolves on Saturday and it could soon be yawned into nothingness with a simple scratch of the balls.

Hayes added: “I just hope I get to fondle my sixth-form French teacher before it ends.”