Dear Holly,

I’m going prematurely bald and I am paranoid that women won’t be able to see beyond my massive shiny noggin, glinting in the sunshine. Do you think anyone will notice if I use a sharpie to colour it in? How does Wayne Rooney do it?

Adam

Wiltshire

Dear Adam,

A big boy from Y6 has a brother who  knows the best friend of a lady who once saw Coleen Rooney on the tube, and he told us that apparently the reason Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses in order to fashion his new barnet. Apparently he started out using belly button fluff borrowed from the navels of sex workers, but it just kept sliding off his bonce and making him look daft in Liverpool nightclubs, so he soon escalated to grave robbery. One dark night, when Kai was in bed and Coleen was tanning her earlobes, Wayne dressed in a black football strip and sneaked into the cemetary. By the light of the moon he used a pair of nail scissors to plunder the armpit hair of thirty-seven cadavers, pausing only to vomit into his football boots. But it was all worth it, when he could look in a mirror with pride again and see a man with bizarre fluffy corpse-hair grinning back. Unfortunately, Wayne failed to seek the permission of the Head of FIFA in advance and therefore he was immediately branded a bad sport and told he was banned from playing until he had made an even more magnificent toupee for Sepp Blatter.

Hope that helps!

Holly