American treated to traditional British Halloween of getting shitfaced in regular clothes

A GUEST from the US is enjoying a British celebration of Halloween without all the sobriety and costumed nonsense he’s used to.

American Tom Logan was invited to celebrate Halloween in the UK by going to the pub wearing whatever he would normally wear and zero spooky bullshit.

He said: “I was super excited to explore the traditions of our sister country. Like my God, this is where all the castles and witches come from, so it’s going to be scary as hell.

“My buddies said to wear jeans and a shirt, which I thought was a little weird but in keeping with understated British culture, and to meet at 6pm for a ‘real session’.

“We began by drinking a traditional British Halloween potion called Jäegermeister, a mixture of occult spices from a spooky green bottle, poured into a tiny glass cauldron then dropped into a large glass flagon of Stella Artois. It was magical. I felt like I was levitating.

“Instead of going house-to-house trick-or-treating we went pub-to-pub and had to drink two rounds in each to keep spectres away, and then we ran down the streets shouting ‘whooo’ like ghosts.

“It was awesome, so much more authentically macabre than American Halloween. I woke up shivering and plagued with dread, and I’d shat myself.”

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Let Saudi Arabia win the f**king World Cup as well if you want, shrugs football

FOOTBALL fans have suggested that, since Saudi Arabia is going to host the World Cup in 2034, why not let the murdering pricks win the f**ker as well. 

Following Australia’s withdrawal from consideration the World Cup is to be given to a monarchy that murders journalists, bans homosexuality, imprisons women for being raped and is also an unbearably hot desert.

Football fan Julian Cook said: “Is the spoiled boy interested in football now? Would he like to score all the goals and win the World Cup? Go f**king ahead.

“Seriously, this isn’t a World Cup any other country wants to take part in, let alone hoist high in victory. It’ll be in winter again, booze will be banned again, rainbows will be confiscated again, we’ll be ordered to wave banners saying ‘Saudis are the best!’

“F**k that. Let’s not just announce that Saudia Arabia is hosting the World Cup but that they are 2034’s winners, that they beat Brazil five-nil in the final and the Saudi striker is the best player in the world and won the Ballon d’Or.

“The glorious sportwashing project will be complete, and then what? We’ll all drop our objections to state-sponsored slaughter, kidnap and illegal war on Yemen? Bet we won’t.”

A FIFA spokesman said: “Okay, wow, spoilers.”