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'It's when, not if' Johnson admits about I'm A Celebrity

BORIS Johnson has confirmed that it is only a matter of time until he appears on I’m A Celebrity choking down crocodile dicks. 

The former prime minister, who is currently being eviscerated by former close colleagues in the Covid inquiry, admitted that if Nigel Farage is going into the jungle then he is surely next.

He said: “Matt Hancock walked so I could run. So we all could.

“I’ll let Farage and Laurence Fox – come on, it’s inevitable – precede me, so the blueprint is laid down. Populist enters jungle, gets hauled over the coals by D-listers, wins them round by being a sound bloke talking basic common sense.

“You think I can’t tousle my hair and turn on the charm? That my will-they-won’t-they flirtation with Ekin-Su won’t captivate the nation? That they won’t fall for my sob story about how difficult it is to keep on shagging while being terrible at your job?

“I’ll gamely smash the bushtucker trials, be elected as leader of the opposition in absentia, and fly home three million richer on course to sweep the next election. Cakeism in action.”

Outraged I’m A Celebrity viewer Nikki Hollis said: “I hate Boris and everything he stands for. I can’t wait to vote for him just like I did in 2019.”

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Tar monster, and five other bin-bag Halloween costumes for lazy f**kers

HALLOWEEN party? Intended to buy a costume but didn’t? They’re lining up to judge you, but with imagination and a refuse sack you can style it out:   

Tar monster

Everyone’s favourite Scooby Doo villain. Who could forget the way the tar monster was a monster that was covered in tar, and maybe did some other stuff? Remember to poke in air holes to stop your costume becoming a body bag.

Punk witch

Witches don’t need hats, or cats, or cauldrons, or broomsticks or any of that shite. You’re a punk witch who needs nothing more than a bin bag and a bad attitude. Another witch, who has all the stuff and painted her face green, is glaring at you.

Budget Batman

Christian Bale or Robert Pattinson? How about neither? This superhero is wearing ill-fitting jeans and dirty trainers under his cape. Just keep saying ‘I’m Batman’ in a funny voice, it’s a solid joke that will never get old.

Budget bat

If you don’t have the physique to pull off the caped crusader, you can always say you’re just the animal. No-one knows or cares what a bat actually looks like. Black, flappy, squeak a bit; actually, how did they inspire a vigilante? Who’s scared of a f**king bat?

Pollution

The best Halloween costumes are the ones with a deeper message, so give Just Stop Oil a run for their money with a look that highlights a societal ill. Your outfit represents the plastics in our oceans and choking our fulmars or whatever. Is your costume also made from plastic that will be sent to landfill? Yes. Irony, heard of it?

Sexy bin bag

When in doubt, perv it out. Embrace the fact that the bin bag is too short by exposing a touch of arse cheek and/or cleavage to please the crowds. The sweat levels from being dressed in industrial plastic will only enhance your sultriness.

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