DRINKING three glasses of red wine a week is good for your health, according to new research. Functioning alcoholic Donna Sheridan gives her misinterpretation:
You know when you feel like shit in the morning? That cannot be good for you. Take the edge off a busy day with a large glass of red left to breathe overnight on your bedside table. You’ll feel more relaxed and you won’t be as impatient with the kids.
The school run
Drink driving is illegal, but because red wine is officially medicine then it’s exempt. Sip a big glass as you go and the stress of the traffic will melt away, lowering your blood pressure and allowing you to go faster so the kids get there sooner and learn more.
Working from home
Zoom meetings only really involve sitting still while not looking obviously drunk. A 250ml top-up Merlot will make you passionate to the point of incoherence about marketing bullshit. You’ll seem quite the professional.
It’s important to eat properly at lunchtime to avoid a ‘sugar crash’ in the afternoon. Luckily red wine is full of carbohydrates, so finish off the bottle and open a new one. You won’t care about what you actually have for lunch either. An avocado with the skin still on is organic, nutritious and goes down smoothly.
Have a productive afternoon
Afternoons can be quite boring. A nice Rioja is the perfect accompaniment to domestic chores, probably because of the tannins. Remember to reply to work emails in between watching The New Avengers on ITV4 and snoozing on the sofa.
They’re making some fuss about not being picked up, but once your kids are home and fed it’s time for a large Malbec and some quality parenting. The wine will unleash your creativity as you invent a soothing, slurred story about Nobby the Goblin who lives in Goblinland. Then once they’re tucked up? It’s wine o’clock!