Can you survive a 1970s school summer holiday? Play our interactive game

WITH Netflix, Xbox and cyberbullying, today’s kids have plenty to occupy them all summer. But could they survive six long weeks of 1970s boredom? 

1 The school holidays of 1978 have started. Do you stay at home (go to 5) or venture out? (Go to 2)

2 There’s f**k all to do as a kid. Wimpy is open, but you’ve only got 24p of pocket money. Do you go to a friend’s house (go to 4) or return home (go to 7)?

3 Roll a dice. If you score 1-2 go to 6. If you score 3-4, go to 7. If you score 5-6 go to 8.

4 You and your friends wander the streets looking for stuff to do. Finally you settle upon vandalising a tree then get bored, Colin falls on a rusty spike and is taken to hospital to get a tetanus injection. Go to 3.

5 Your mum feeds you you some unpleasant Heinz ravioli on toast. There’s nothing on TV except Saint & Greavsie. You are terminally bored. This is the rest of your summer holiday. GAME OVER.

6 You’re in the 1970s municipal library where you develop an interest in Doctor Who novelisations, which will become a lifelong obsession and cause you to remain a virgin until the age of 23. Go back to 3.

7 You’ve gone on a family holiday! Unfortunately it’s two weeks in Prestatyn in constant pissing rain where you spend three hours a day outside a pub drinking Britvic while your parents get shitfaced to relieve the boredom. GAME OVER.

8 Your mum and dad take you shopping to Fine Fare just for something to do. However you badger them into getting you a cool protractor and ruler set in in a tin. YOU HAVE WON!

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Six things called 'Great' that are actually total crap

YOU can’t make something great just by sticking the word ‘Great’ in front of it, Britain. For example: 

Great Yarmouth

Number six on TripAdvisor’s list of things to do in Great Yarmouth is to leave Great Yarmouth and visit Gorleston instead. Numbers seven and eight also advise leaving Great Yarmouth behind. Basically, if you find yourself in Great Yarmouth, Trip Advisor suggests that you leave it.

Catherine the Great

The Russian empress rose to power after she married her cousin then forced him to abdicate. She also relied on serfs, essentially slaves that come free with a farm, to keep the economy and there’s a rumour that she died while having sex with a horse called Dudley. None of which is great.

Great Uncle Bulgaria

The weakest of the Wombles, blind as a bat and walking with a stick, Great Uncle Bulgaria picked up no litter and preferred to sit on his arse reading the paper and ordering the younger Wombles about. Much like your dad when he’d send you down the corner shop to get 20 Benson and Hedges on a Sunday morning.

The Great Wall of China

Took 2,000 years to build just so Westerners could do charity walks along it, avoiding the bits that have fallen down. It’s a decent wall in fairness but can’t be seen from the Moon which is the only claim regularly made for it, so should be called the Fraudulent Wall.

Greater London v Greater Manchester

Two cities locked in an eternal struggle, both claiming they’re greater than the other. Is London greater, or is Manchester greater? London has better weather and museums, but Manchester’s not a living hell. But there’s a chance of bumping into Morrissey or Ian Brown in Manchester so London wins.

Great Britain

One of the few things that can truly be called great, apart from the littering, hooliganism, boozing culture, horrendously biased anti-democratic media, history of colonial oppression, Tommy Robinson, around 30 Danny Dyer films, and not winning a football tournament in 55 years. Apart from that Britain is so great.