THE UK is making sure it distinguishes the weekend from the rest of the week by getting really, really shitfaced.
Britons have been reading advice from people who live in isolated circumstances about how to make the weekend different, and believe the only option is to get soiling-themselves pissed.
Nathan Muir said: “Lighthouse operators, Antarctic researchers, submarine crews – they all say marking weekends is crucial to keeping sane. So I’ve got three litres of gin in.
“No, they didn’t specifically mention getting absolutely wrecked, but I’m working with limited resources here. What else am I meant to do? Wear a hat?
“I’ve got no choice but to go hard because I’ve already been drinking every night of the week, and not drinking isn’t an option. Not drinking isn’t an option in any way.
“I’m basically doing it on medical recommendation. Starting from 5pm and carrying on through until 2am. It’s an act of radical self-care.”
Professor Chris Whitty, chief medical officer of the UK, said: “This is extremely sensible. Just stay in. I’ve got a slab of Stella, and that’s just to get warmed up for the vodka shots.”