Britain to mark Friday by getting extra-hammered

THE UK is making sure it distinguishes the weekend from the rest of the week by getting really, really shitfaced. 

Britons have been reading advice from people who live in isolated circumstances about how to make the weekend different, and believe the only option is to get soiling-themselves pissed. 

Nathan Muir said: “Lighthouse operators, Antarctic researchers, submarine crews – they all say marking weekends is crucial to keeping sane. So I’ve got three litres of gin in. 

“No, they didn’t specifically mention getting absolutely wrecked, but I’m working with limited resources here. What else am I meant to do? Wear a hat? 

“I’ve got no choice but to go hard because I’ve already been drinking every night of the week, and not drinking isn’t an option. Not drinking isn’t an option in any way. 

“I’m basically doing it on medical recommendation. Starting from 5pm and carrying on through until 2am. It’s an act of radical self-care.” 

Professor Chris Whitty, chief medical officer of the UK, said: “This is extremely sensible. Just stay in. I’ve got a slab of Stella, and that’s just to get warmed up for the vodka shots.”

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How to pretend you're not shitting yourself in the supermarket

DOES every trip to the supermarket to buy essentials fill you with terror? Here’s how to pretend you have nerves of steel.

Whistle a happy tune

Whistling cheerfully will give you an air of nonchalance as you secretly wonder if that pack of sausages has been handled by a coronavirus carrier and nervously approach it like an unexploded bomb.

Don’t dress like you’re prepared for a chemical attack

Keep your protective clothing to one mask. When you’re out of the store you can put on three more masks, surgical gloves and a face visor in a mad panic. Then breathe a sigh of relief as you do up your anorak hood tightly and spray yourself with Dettol.

Do a reasonably normal shop

Get a range of veg, meat, cereals, and so on. Don’t just grab whatever you can in 50 seconds and sprint the f**k out of there with 80 jars of mussels, all the toothpaste and an Elsa doll. 

Look casual as you’re clearly avoiding people

Try to have relaxed body language as you’re clearly standing as far away as possible from the cashier. Reinforce this with casual chit-chat, although it may come out all garbled and panicky, eg. “HA HA – I like a nice bit of bleach, do you? HA HA! Ooh, funny weather, isn’t it? OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE HURRY UP, WOMAN!”

Get someone else to go

The only guarantee of not looking scared. There’s surely no harm in sending your six-year-old shopping with 150 quid in cash, or, depending on your level of cowardice, why not ask your 80-year-old gran?