Man snaps up Morrisons delivery slot in December 2021

A MAN has booked a Morrisons home delivery which should arrive late next year.

Tom Logan could not believe his incredible good luck as he managed to claim the next available delivery slot after queuing on the Morrisons site for just three hours.

He said: “Some idiot must’ve cancelled by mistake. No way should I be getting a delivery this side of 2022.

“I’d heard that supermarkets were pulling out all the stops to meet the increased demand, but they’ve really outdone themselves this time. I’m not even a vulnerable person who needs to order online, I’m just very lazy.

“I’ve ordered basics like potatoes and baked beans, eight cans of lager and a big, juicy sirloin steak. Just thinking about tucking into it on 15 December 2021 is making me salivate.

“With a big online order on the way I’d better start eating all my other food to make room in the cupboards.”

Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “We’ve already had to make a few substitutions. Hope he doesn’t mind washing with vinegar instead of shower gel. Also there’s a jar of cheap hot dogs instead of steak.”

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Your guide to paying all your bills on £94 a week, by Rishi Sunak

HI. I’m Rishi Sunak and I won’t leave you behind. If somehow you’re still struggling to get by on Britain’s prompt and generous Universal Credit system, here’s how to pay your way.

Take out a loan

Short-term economic solutions are how the government has been staggering along for years. If loans are good enough for us they’re good enough for you. Don’t read the boring small print about interest rates, you can worry about that later. And if you die, you’ve made a profit.

Sell your assets

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so you might want to think about selling your massive second home or flogging a few of your valuable antiques. If you don’t have either of those, remember your organs are also an asset.

Defer your payments

The most effective way to minimise your outgoings is not paying for things. If you politely tell your landlord you won’t be able to stump up the rent for the next few months they’re bound to let it slide without threatening eviction. I’ve never done it myself because I don’t rent and I’m loaded, but I’m sure it will be fine.

Buy lottery tickets

A weekly allowance of £94 buys you lots of lottery tickets and scratchcards, and when you inevitably hit the jackpot you can put aside a bit of your winnings for bills. You’ve got to speculate to accumulate, after all.

Manufacture ventilators

Demand for these things is through the roof right now, so if you can start cranking them out in your shed or conservatory you can make a packet. Also, can we be your first customer, because we’ve really dropped the ball on sourcing these things?

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