Wife in race against time to locate and destroy guitar

A WOMAN is desperately searching the house to find her husband’s acoustic guitar and destroy it before he remembers it exists. 

Clare Logan awoke in a cold sweat when it came to her in the night that the guitar was still in the house and in serious danger of being played within the next 48 hours.

She said: “The stakes could not be higher. This trip up the attic is basically an Indiana Jones film.

“I’ve already been through the garage and under the stairs, ransacking like a lunatic, knowing that if I don’t find it before Tom does we could be subjected to an inhuman ordeal lasting days.

“If I come down empty-handed there’s every chance the next time I enter the living room I’ll find Tom playing Wonderwall with a self-satisfied look. He only knows three chords, but that leaves us vulnerable to butchered versions of every pop song in history.

“The only choice is to find the guitar and obliterate it quickly and violently. Oh God, what if he livestreams?”

Tom Logan said: “You know what? Maybe I’ll dust off the old acoustic and entertain the old-fashioned way tonight. Once Clare’s stopped breaking whatever she’s breaking upstairs.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Take the government's COVID-19 test

DO YOU have COVID-19? Take the official government multiple-choice test and find out: 

Do you have COVID-19? 

A) Yes
B) Don’t think so

Are you sure? 

A) Yes
B) No, not completely

Don’t waste time, there’s a pandemic on. You need to be completely confident in your answer. 

A) I have all the symptoms and I have COVID-19. Please help me
B) Is there some kind of medical test I could do? I am an NHS frontline worker. I could be transmitting this to patients

Are you a member of the cabinet? 

A) No. I’ve self-isolated as much as I can, but I have a family. Can they be tested?
B) No, and nor have I had any contact with Boris Johnson in the last 14 days. I’ve heard Germany has a test with swabs? Can I do that?

Are you a member of the Royal Family? 

A) No. Do you need a list of everywhere I’ve been in the last 14 days? That’s what they’re doing in South Korea, and it’s really flattened the curve
B) No I’m not. I don’t even like the Royal Family

Are you a Premier League footballer, Premier League football manager, or Idris Elba? 

A) No
B) If I said I was, would I be able have a proper test?

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations! You might or might not have COVID-19. Please behave accordingly.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! You probably don’t have COVID-19. If you start to feel symptoms, please take this test again.