Chug while the Pointless ticker drops: Five early evening TV drinking games

TEATIME telly can be hard going. Here are five drinking games that’ll see you all the way through to 8pm – when you can get pissed to something better on Netflix.

Chug while the Pointless ticker drops

You can’t help but play along, even though your general knowledge is shit, the contestants only ever win 50p and they’re all clearly furious they didn’t get on The Chase. To spice things up, get some strong lagers in and chug them for the entire time the ticker is counting down. Gill and Kevin from Shropshire might’ve just scored 17 points but you’ve puked Kronenbourg all over your carpet. Which was more ‘pointless’?

The Antiques Roadshow happy hour

A weekend treat. As soon as the iconic theme tune begins you have to drink until Fiona Bruce starts her opening link in front of a sumptuous country house. From then on the rules are simple: drink whenever anyone looks disappointed at a valuation; whenever an expert is dressed like a twat; and especially when a punter tries to edge into the back of shot to get themselves on the telly. Looks like somebody’s going to be hungover on Monday.

Neck a bottle of vodka during Hollyoaks

If you’re watching this abject shit about Chester’s most moderately-sexy twats you’ve probably lost the remote. So you’re entirely justified in making it more interesting by legging it to the shop and buying the cheapest bottle of voddy available. Your challenge: down it over the next 30 minutes. That’s it. No other rules. Off your head on a dangerous alcohol rush, the weak plotlines will start to make sense, the dialogue sound like David Mamet, and the cast turn into Meryl Streep. It’s all a delusion, of course, but you’ve made it to Channel 4 news, which is infinitely more fun.

Drink when you’re baffled by The One Show

The Beeb’s flagship magazine show is known for some real handbrake turns – going from tap dancing to bowel cancer to garden gnomes in the blink of Alex Jones’ eye. To replicate this, change drinks every time they change topic – from wine to beer to spirits. Next rule – drink two fingers whenever a celebrity looks baffled by what is happening. Last rule – finish your glass when they ask a celeb their opinion on something they’ve no knowledge of, eg. Liam Neeson fielding questions on coastal erosion or Stacey Solomon speaking passionately about The Somme.

Come Drink with Me

Channel 4’s hit dining show is already a boozy affair. So just drink whenever a guest drinks. If you want to get really wrecked at 5.30pm on a Tuesday afternoon – and who doesn’t? – also chug whenever: one punter gives someone a low score just to be a prick, every time that bloke chips in with the sarcastic voiceover, and if someone is preparing a prawn cocktail and they immediately cut to another contestant telling the camera she has a fatal shellfish allergy. If it’s an omnibus, have a friend ready to call an ambulance.

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Out-of-character things your boyfriend does when he's after a shag

IS your boyfriend behaving in an insultingly ingratiating way, like a salesman for something regrettable? He wants sex. Watch for these signs: 

He pays attention

Normally when you talk about your day you’re somehow aware of your boyfriend scanning his mind for a distraction, possibly something to do with buying lager or being Thor. But now he’s making eye contact and even resisting the urge to let his gaze drift chestward. Make the most of it and luxuriate in the dullest minutiae, eg. the shop had sold out of tuna sandwiches, incredibly.

He buys you a gift

Gifts from your boyfriend are usually restricted to traditional celebratory events, but for some reason he’s bought you a nice bunch of flowers and told you he was thinking about you. Whether those thoughts will be translated into action after an extra-large pizza, dough balls and several cans of Grolsch is anyone’s guess.

He attempts housework

For somebody who meticulously organises his Fantasy Football team, your boyfriend is useless at tidying. So when he attempts household chores without being prompted, you know there’s sinister Peter Mandelson-style scheming behind it. But to be honest you not having to remove a year of nasty little stale crumbs and the odd mummified prawn from down the sofa is not a bad deal. 

He remembers things

By some miraculous feat of memory your boyfriend now knows not only the date of your anniversary, but even the day you first ‘made love’. It’s creepy but also romantic, in an obsessive, stalkerish way. However you also remember it being shit, so maybe tonight’s the night not for love but to find out if Succession really merits an article a day about it in the Guardian.

He tries to act like a gentleman

The most gentlemanly thing your boyfriend has ever done is hold your hair back while you’re throwing up in the loo, so when he holds a door open and ushers you through first you know which part of his body is doing the thinking. He may be so desperate he suggests visiting your parents, but there’s no need for outright sadism so just shag him.