subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man honestly thinks he would have got that job if he'd been black

A MAN is not letting his belief that he did not get a job due to his skin colour be affected by a total lack of evidence.

After missing out in the final round of interviews, Martin Bishop is convinced that being Caucasian meant he did not ‘tick the right boxes’ for a prized sales rep job in Luton.

Bishop said: “There’s only one reason I didn’t get that job – I’m not sufficiently ‘woke’ in my skin pigmentation. 

“These days if you’re black you’ve got a free pass. That’s the real racism. You only have to look at sport. Tiger Woods. Kelly Holmes. Er, Daley Thompson. D’you think Lewis Hamilton would have got where he is if he hadn’t been black? 

“I could drive just as fast as him. Faster probably, if it wasn’t for all these bloody speed bumps. They’ve even got them outside schools now. What message is that sending out to underprivileged white kids?”

Bishop dismissed the fact that the successful applicant for the job, Nathan Muir, was also white and no black applicants had been shortlisted.

He said: “That’s not the point. If I was black I’d have got the job. Perhaps I should have turned up in blackface but apparently that’s ‘offensive’ now. You could not make it up.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

There is a stranger. Am I allowed to shoot? Your guide to US gun laws

YOU’RE a US citizen, you’re armed, there is a person you don’t know. Are you legally allowed to shoot? Find out with our guide. 

The stranger is on, near, or has touched my property. Am I cleared to fire?

YES. A stranger who has knocked at your door or brushed past your vehicle may have begun to covet. Coveting leads to theft – it’s in the Bible. You are justified in fearing for your property and under capitalism, your property is your life. Fire away.

The stranger is attempting to speak. Should I shoot?

YES. Time is money and this stranger is attempting to steal yours. Every word they speak is a moment of your life gone and another moment closer to the grave. This can therefore be classed as attempted murder and you opening fire as self-defence.

A stranger more than 100 yards away is reaching down to scratch his ass. Does this merit an armed response?

YES. Most guns are tucked in the waistband, so anyone dropping their hands below their sternum is potentially reaching for a gun. If they get it you’re a goner. You are entirely justified in taking them out from a concealed position 100 yards away. Expect police to release you without charge.

I watch Fox News and have heard a noise. Should I tuck, roll and open fire?

YES. As an avid Fox viewer you are kept in no doubt that your very way of life is under threat and therefore so are you. That noise could be a drag show, an attempt to vote postally, or an activist judge trying to take your guns away. That it later turns out to be a family member is not your fault but the media’s.

I am wearing a police uniform. Can I go weapons free?

YES. The police represent justice and no shot they fire can be a bad one, with the lone exception of the shot fired on January 6th at a patriot only trying to restore democratic government with an insurrection. Otherwise all shots fired are fully justified from the moment the trigger is pulled. Double-tap with a clear conscience.

Next story ›