Couple who only drink at weekends really f**king drink at weekends

A COUPLE who only drink on Fridays and Saturdays get absolutely f**king wrecked every Friday and Saturday, friends have confirmed. 

Ryan and Josie Whittaker piously announced on social media that they had fallen into bad habits during lockdown and needed to clean up their act.

Friend Hannah Tomlinson said: “So it was a surprise when I arrived at theirs at 6pm last night for an ‘early garden supper’ and they were both already three cans in.

“Within the hour Josie had switched to gin, Ryan was so drunk he got himself entangled in the gazebo, and they’d both told me that if I needed a piss it was fine to use the pond.

“I said ‘I thought you were cutting down?’ and she said ‘Yeah, so when it gets to the weekend we really go for it’, then asked me if I had any coke numbers. At this point the sun was still up.”

Josie Whittaker said: “I don’t remember when Hannah left. I blacked out until lunchtime on Saturday in our local park where Ryan was being arrested for picking a fight with a duck.”

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Flumps, and other foods you're ashamed to buy as an adult

ONCE you’re over 18 you’re embarrassed to be seen buying certain foods. These are the most shameful:

Hubba Bubba

‘Hubba Bubba’ sounds more like a hideous nickname your mum would have for your dad than a food item someone with a pension should choose for themselves. Anyone over 30 purchasing bubblegum for their own consumption should be put on some sort of register.

Mini Milk

It’s a hot day, and you’ve decided to pick up ice creams from the supermarket. But you can’t get them through the self-service checkout. Before you know it, you’ve summoned a store assistant to hear you say one of the most tragic sentences ever uttered: ‘Excuse me, but could you help me scan these Mini-Milks?’

Nik Naks

Aside from sounding like a teenager’s euphemism for their testicles, the crisps themselves look more like the Honey Monster’s bowel movements than anything a person with a mortgage should be eating. Better to accept that the only respectable crisps for an adult to buy are Kettle Chips, and buy yourself a tasteful bowl to put them in.


There is no suitable occasion for anyone over 20 to say ‘Hey, you know what I fancy? A flaccid pipe of sickly marshmallow.’ If you’re going to a corner shop to treat yourself do the respectable thing for your age and buy a packet of fags and a four-pack of continental lager.


If you must start the day with a large bowl of sugar encrusted cereal followed by a hypoglycemic crash, Honey Nut Cornflakes are the adult choice to make. However much you believe Tony the Tiger when he tells you they’re ‘grrrreat’, you’re a grown up now and you aren’t allowed to enjoy yourself anymore. Have a healthy, disgusting grapefruit instead.