THINK you’re a sophisticated adult? Then how come you still haven’t left behind these things that are clearly meant for young people, you massive overgrown child?
Kids’ breakfast cereal
Nobody over 25 should be spooning miniature cookies into their mouth every morning. The manufacturers even make the packaging look as gaudy and embarrassing as possible to ward off adults like you, so take the hint. Start your day with a coffee and a cigarette while mulling over your many regrets like a proper grown-up.
We get it, they’re the only books you’ve read and you spent a fortune just to look at the props from the very average movies. It’s hard to let that sort of investment go. But now JK Rowling spends all her time having bitter transgender Twitter rows, it’s time for you to move on too. It’s what the boy who lived would do.
Getting overemotional about people kicking a ball around is bad enough, but buying rip-off packets of Panini stickers is going too far. You might think you’re impressing your friend’s kids with your immaculate Premier League album, but they’re probably only trying to get an unfair swap out of you.
Dreams of pop stardom
You didn’t break into the music industry when you were young enough to have a chance, so why would you succeed now you’re in your mid-40s and have noticeable dental implants? You might just get on Britain’s Got Talent, but only as one of the deluded cannon fodder acts for everyone to laugh at.
Living with your parents
Sure, the housing market is tough right now and probably always will be, but wouldn’t you rather live in a house share with people who didn’t conceive you? Housemates can be be utter twats, but at least hearing them having sex doesn’t completely freak you out.