A COMPLETE bastard enjoys nothing more than explaining what a wasted dick you were the night before.
Knobhead housemate Tom Logan gets a sick kick out of telling you exactly where and how many times you embarrassed yourself last night while you wrestle with the debilitating effects of a brutal hangover.
Logan said: “I’ll warm up by saying ‘I bet you’re feeling hanging today’ in a smug voice as you blearily stagger to the bathroom looking for some paracetamol, before reeling off the vast amount of drinks you had.
“The very thought of all those shots will make you want to do a sambuca sick down yourself, but I won’t read the room and will carry on listing them regardless. Don’t want you to forget those tequila slammers now, do we?
“As your face turns from white to green, I’ll move on to all the mortifying shit you did like dancing on the tables and making a failed pass at your mate’s sister while he was right there. I could be making all this up but you’d never know.
“To finish off I’ll give you a hearty slap on the back and offer you a beer. Watching you wince and shudder is the highlight of my week. It’s my sport.”
Friend Emma Howard said: “Once you’re recovered let’s get Tom totally shitfaced and see how he likes someone filling in the blanks. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it and find it just as f**king hilarious.”