HOSTING guests this weekend? Hide these shameful possessions before they realise what a sick weirdo you really are:
Your toilet reading
Anyone can put fancy books they’ve not read on their shelves, but the books in the toilet are who you truly are. Avoid judgement by replacing trashy Trump tell-alls and your well-thumbed copy of Khloe Kardashian’s weight loss memoir with The Book of Bunny Suicides. What could be more normal and funny than a book about rabbits killing themselves?
The contents of your bedside drawers
Your dildos and entry-level BDSM gear aren’t the issue. They’ll elicit respect, or at least mild fascination, even from your parents. Instead it’s your mindfulness journal that will induce nausea if discovered. Nothing is more sickening than learning you’re grateful to the universe for clean bed sheets, and you’ve documented it.
Your bank statements
Why haven’t you gone paperless anyway? If guests find out you’re loaded they’ll make you buy more rounds and rinse you for half-marathon sponsorship. And if you’re broke they’ll judge you for running up a credit card debt on noise-cancelling headphones. Shred that shit.
When it comes to creating a good impression, the last thing you want is offspring bursting in, scribbling all over the walls, and revealing that you can’t parent them without the aid of three streaming services and a Nintendo Switch. If you can’t palm them off on their grandparents, lure them into the shed with a Dairy Milk and lock it.
Your desire for them to leave
Your burning desire for time to pass more quickly so your guests can f**k off sooner is the hardest thing to conceal. If they’re not in the toilet when you need a dump, they’re hovering around while you pretend to cook a Loyd Grossman sauce from scratch. Wind your clocks forwards and tell them to piss off.