Five things to hide when guests come to stay

HOSTING guests this weekend? Hide these shameful possessions before they realise what a sick weirdo you really are:

Your toilet reading

Anyone can put fancy books they’ve not read on their shelves, but the books in the toilet are who you truly are. Avoid judgement by replacing trashy Trump tell-alls and your well-thumbed copy of Khloe Kardashian’s weight loss memoir with The Book of Bunny Suicides. What could be more normal and funny than a book about rabbits killing themselves?

The contents of your bedside drawers

Your dildos and entry-level BDSM gear aren’t the issue. They’ll elicit respect, or at least mild fascination, even from your parents. Instead it’s your mindfulness journal that will induce nausea if discovered. Nothing is more sickening than learning you’re grateful to the universe for clean bed sheets, and you’ve documented it.

Your bank statements

Why haven’t you gone paperless anyway? If guests find out you’re loaded they’ll make you buy more rounds and rinse you for half-marathon sponsorship. And if you’re broke they’ll judge you for running up a credit card debt on noise-cancelling headphones. Shred that shit.

Your children

When it comes to creating a good impression, the last thing you want is offspring bursting in, scribbling all over the walls, and revealing that you can’t parent them without the aid of three streaming services and a Nintendo Switch. If you can’t palm them off on their grandparents, lure them into the shed with a Dairy Milk and lock it.

Your desire for them to leave

Your burning desire for time to pass more quickly so your guests can f**k off sooner is the hardest thing to conceal. If they’re not in the toilet when you need a dump, they’re hovering around while you pretend to cook a Loyd Grossman sauce from scratch. Wind your clocks forwards and tell them to piss off.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man scared of group of teenagers who do not even register his existence

A GROWN man is feeling intimidated by a group of teenagers who have not even noticed he is there.

36-year-old Martin Bishop approached his local Tesco Metro intending to purchase a newspaper, but became crippled with fear after noticing a group of youths loitering outside.

Bishop said: “I have no doubt that every single one of them is an insecure, self-conscious bellend with terrible dress sense, and yet I am scared to walk past them.

“What if they ask me to buy them some cheap cider, or film me accidentally doing a funny walk and shame me on TikTok? I’d rather get beaten up than suffer viral humiliation.

“Perhaps they’ll snigger at me in a way that suggests I’m a sad, old man who’s quickly approaching death having achieved nothing. Or is that just me projecting?

“The truth is they’re probably earnestly discussing climate change or tuition fees, which is why they look so pissed off. But I still can’t shake the feeling they might steal my pocket money even though I’m older than their parents and their teachers.”

Teen Jack Browne said: “We ignore anyone over the age of 21. Mainly because they don’t understand the anxious paranoia of our young tortured lives.”