They're fatter than you: five constructive ways to compare yourself to your friends

COMPARING yourself to friends can depress you unless you focus on their worst aspects, such as these flaws:

They’re fatter than you

You present yourself to the world as a kind, compassionate person who wouldn’t dream of fat-shaming. Inwardly though you feel like a champion because your friends haven’t shifted their lockdown weight yet and are a couple of pounds heavier than you. It’s a petty victory that tarnishes your soul, but you’ll take it.

You make more money than them

You’re raking in five figures doing a menial job you f**king hate, meanwhile your friends are earning fractionally less while pursuing their dream careers. Sure, they look happier than you and there’s a real risk their aspirations could pay off financially, but at this very moment you’re the top dog. Bask in your disgusting glory.

They’re lower on the property ladder

Few things give you the warm fuzzy glow of self-superiority more than your friends who still live with their parents. They have excuses, like saying it’s only for a year while they save for a deposit, whereas you’re pissing away two-thirds of your salary on your house share’s shoebox room. Clearly you’re the winner here.

They’re older/younger than you

Friends who are older than you are closer to death, so there’s no need to be jealous of them. At the same time your younger friends will have more of this planet’s doomed future to endure, so if anything you should pity them. Weirdly enough your precise age is the perfect one to be, if you’re a smug narcissist.

They have a loving partner

Absolutely nothing to be envious of here. So what if your friends have doting, caring partners who enhance their one, brief existence? You’re a free agent who can do whatever they want, whenever they want, such as eating an unhealthy amount of Quavers in your pants while watching Men in Black 2. Your mates can only dream of this lifestyle.

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Women can avoid attacks by rogue police officers by 'not existing', advises Met Police

THE Metropolitan Police have issued official advice today telling women the best way to avoid attacks by rogue police officers is by simple non-existence.

Women everywhere have welcomed the strong response which puts the onus squarely on them to prevent violence from men, and not the institution supposed to protect the public.

A spokesperson for the Met said: “The best way to stop violence against women is for there to be no women. You might think that the police need to take responsibility by properly vetting members of the force or investigating reports of crimes by officers, but this isn’t cost-effective.

“Instead, we offer this advice: if you believe you are in imminent danger, have you thought about not being there in the first place? Predators can’t prey on thin air.

“It’s better than any misguided advice about flagging down bus drivers and asking them to take out corrupt cops for you, and offers 100 per cent protection.

“We’ve been working really hard on this. We put our heads together and tried our absolute best to make no real structural changes and this is what we came up with. So now we can all move on.”

Alongside their advice to women, the Met is also asking people of colour worried about systematic biases from the police if they have tried being white instead.