COMPARING yourself to friends can depress you unless you focus on their worst aspects, such as these flaws:
They’re fatter than you
You present yourself to the world as a kind, compassionate person who wouldn’t dream of fat-shaming. Inwardly though you feel like a champion because your friends haven’t shifted their lockdown weight yet and are a couple of pounds heavier than you. It’s a petty victory that tarnishes your soul, but you’ll take it.
You make more money than them
You’re raking in five figures doing a menial job you f**king hate, meanwhile your friends are earning fractionally less while pursuing their dream careers. Sure, they look happier than you and there’s a real risk their aspirations could pay off financially, but at this very moment you’re the top dog. Bask in your disgusting glory.
They’re lower on the property ladder
Few things give you the warm fuzzy glow of self-superiority more than your friends who still live with their parents. They have excuses, like saying it’s only for a year while they save for a deposit, whereas you’re pissing away two-thirds of your salary on your house share’s shoebox room. Clearly you’re the winner here.
They’re older/younger than you
Friends who are older than you are closer to death, so there’s no need to be jealous of them. At the same time your younger friends will have more of this planet’s doomed future to endure, so if anything you should pity them. Weirdly enough your precise age is the perfect one to be, if you’re a smug narcissist.
They have a loving partner
Absolutely nothing to be envious of here. So what if your friends have doting, caring partners who enhance their one, brief existence? You’re a free agent who can do whatever they want, whenever they want, such as eating an unhealthy amount of Quavers in your pants while watching Men in Black 2. Your mates can only dream of this lifestyle.
