What happens to your weekends if you ditch alcohol for a month

QUITTING alcohol for a month will bring huge health benefits, but what about the damage it will do to your weekends? Count the cost here: 

First weekend

Ability to enjoy Friday night television severely impaired. Pleasure in long-term partner’s company reduced. Strong ‘Friday feeling’ during day ebbs to nothing at night. Bed before 11.30pm.

Saturday evening’s film The Suicide Squad rightly assessed as ‘stupid’ due to lack of alcohol. Instead participating couple go to bed early and have sex, which is awkward and goes on too long.

Second weekend

Friday’s television once again unentertaining. Participants instead attempt conversation, which moves from the need to get a new fridge to basic incompatibilities in the relationship at record pace.

Evening with friends on Saturday begins well but becomes difficult to endure because of all other attendees’ drunkenness. Basis of friendships called into question. Participants leave early after being called ‘boring bastards’.

Third weekend

Participants go to pub for meal. Silence throughout. When not staring at phones they gaze enviously at the alcohol being casually consumed by others.

Proactive attempt to forestall boredom by purchasing and playing boardgame only forces participants to admit how hard they are finding this. Evening spent silently holding one another.

Fourth weekend

Participants are feeling and looking much healthier. Confess to each other that they have nothing to live for, take no pleasure in anything, no longer enjoy the company of each other or their friends, and have Googled recreational drugs.

Saturday evening participants drink wine, beer, vodka, prosecco, gin, vermouth and tequila. Wake in each others’ arms suffering agonising hangovers. Spend day in severe pain. But happy.

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Woman eating entire Toblerone mistakenly believes she's better than this

A WOMAN eating 360g of chocolate in one sitting foolishly believes the action doesn’t reflect her overall life choices.

Charlotte Phelps began eating the gargantuan snack at a rate of almost one triangle per minute whilst watching Eastenders, but maintains she isn’t usually the sort of person who does things like this.

Phelps said: “On this occasion I’m going to eat the whole Toblerone instead of giving it to my aunt for her birthday like I told myself I would when I bought it. But this isn’t a regular pattern of behaviour.

“Now I’ve started, I might as well eat every single piece. Otherwise it would just be cluttering up the fridge, when I need the space for all the vegetables I’m definitely going to buy tomorrow.

“I don’t think this one incident defines me. For example, I bought a new sports bra last month, which demonstrates my commitment to health and fitness even though I haven’t done any exercise in it yet.

“I’ll just polish off the rest of this bottle of wine and get an early night by falling asleep on the sofa in my clothes. I wouldn’t usually, but it saves my mum having to wash the sheets too often. I’m thoughtful like that.”