QUITTING alcohol for a month will bring huge health benefits, but what about the damage it will do to your weekends? Count the cost here:
First weekend
Ability to enjoy Friday night television severely impaired. Pleasure in long-term partner’s company reduced. Strong ‘Friday feeling’ during day ebbs to nothing at night. Bed before 11.30pm.
Saturday evening’s film The Suicide Squad rightly assessed as ‘stupid’ due to lack of alcohol. Instead participating couple go to bed early and have sex, which is awkward and goes on too long.
Second weekend
Friday’s television once again unentertaining. Participants instead attempt conversation, which moves from the need to get a new fridge to basic incompatibilities in the relationship at record pace.
Evening with friends on Saturday begins well but becomes difficult to endure because of all other attendees’ drunkenness. Basis of friendships called into question. Participants leave early after being called ‘boring bastards’.
Third weekend
Participants go to pub for meal. Silence throughout. When not staring at phones they gaze enviously at the alcohol being casually consumed by others.
Proactive attempt to forestall boredom by purchasing and playing boardgame only forces participants to admit how hard they are finding this. Evening spent silently holding one another.
Fourth weekend
Participants are feeling and looking much healthier. Confess to each other that they have nothing to live for, take no pleasure in anything, no longer enjoy the company of each other or their friends, and have Googled recreational drugs.
Saturday evening participants drink wine, beer, vodka, prosecco, gin, vermouth and tequila. Wake in each others’ arms suffering agonising hangovers. Spend day in severe pain. But happy.
