STUDENTS newly arriving at university have hit the bars to drink away their fears about already owing tens of thousands of pounds.
18-year-olds are flooding the bars and clubs of university towns to numb the pain of forking out 20 thousand pounds for a degree which is disregarded by employers and means they will never buy a house.
Fresher Jack Browne said: “To outsiders it seems we’re overindulging on our first taste of adult freedom, but behind the Jägerbombs and dirty pints is a howling existential angst.
“I’ve only done an afternoon of induction bollocks but I’m already Student Loans’ bitch for decades. If you were paying seven per cent interest on top of your tuition fees, plus a maintenance loan, you’d be getting hammered every night too.
“I wish we were getting shitfaced for the fun of it like those flush idiots doing apprenticeships. Instead we’re knocking back pitchers as an act of therapy. If you see me passed out don’t be concerned, I’ve made a breakthrough.
“Though all the wild hookups are purely for fun. The lazy, workshy student stereotypes are onto something when it comes to that.”
Student Emma Bradford said: “The worst part of the hangover is when you remember you’re doing an arts degree.”
