THE only way to survive this terrible heat is to be too pissed to care. Here’s how to get through the hottest week of the year hammered:
A pint of red first thing might kill your hangover, but you’ll be vomiting in the gutter before it even gets properly baking so pace yourself. Have a can as soon as you wake up and then one on the hour every hour until you’re ready for that siesta at midday.
Line your stomach
It’s far too hot for that BBQ you were planning, so just eat all the food you bought for it in one sitting. Nothing prepares you for a day on the booze like twenty wholemeal baps and five packets of Pom-Bears.
Put loads of ice in your drink
Dumping an entire tray’s worth of ice cubes into your glass will keep you cool in this disgraceful heat. It will also mean you’re sensibly taking water with your quarter-bottle of Glen’s vodka and Londis cola, like a sophisticated continental drinker at a Parisian cafe.
Don’t exert yourself
Moving around in this heat when you’re a six-pack deep is inadvisable. Find a place to sit, preferably near a fan, and stay as utterly and completely still as you can for health reasons. Make sure to bring two carrier bags of bottles and cans.
Never take breaks
It’s so tempting, when you’re slurring your words and seeing double, to give it a bit of a rest until your head stops spinning. Tempting – and fatal for your session. Even when you’re at the supermarket picking up more supplies drain a couple of tins of mojito on your way round and scan the empties. It’s legal.
Ignore the naysayers
This is the one time of year where everyone gets to be a lightweight, so enjoy being absolutely hammered after half a glass of Pimms. It’s like being a teenager again, except now you can buy WKDs whenever you want and indeed use them as a mixer.