THE only people allowed to see live music by September will be middle-aged men who respectfully enjoy the music without any fuss, as it should be.
Plans for vaccine passports mean that only men in their 40s and 50s whose guts bulge out the front of their leather jackets will be nodding along to artists while holding their pints perfectly level.
Thomas Booker said: “There’ll be none of this leaping around and shouting come September. And singing along? I prefer to let the experts on stage do it, thanks.
“How delightful it’ll be for young, vibrant artists to step onto stage and not be confronted by a sea of mobile phones but the frowning faces of bald, bearded men paying attention.
“It’s the way live music should be. Silence during the songs, a gracious round of applause to follow, then on with the next. All the under-35s think it’s more about them and their ‘epic night’ than savouring the nuances.
“And nightclubs will be marvellous. Finally an audience appreciative of skilled cross-fader work instead of all these drugged-up kids in their 20s. Dancing? You think Tiesto wants to see you cavorting around when he’s hard at work?”
Hannah Tomlinson, singer in indie band Uncle Enzo, said: “They’re not all pissed and lairy and afterwards they queue up to pay top dollar for vinyl. It’s f**king great.”