The seven hyped-up summer blockbusters you still regret seeing

THE summer blockbuster trend kicked off with Jaws in 1975, and ever since we’ve been deluged with shit. You were tricked into seeing all these: 

Jurassic World, 2015

Somehow another dinosaur theme park has been opened, despite the previous death tolls. And they’re genetically engineering a new dinosaur because visitors are bored of the same old ones, just like today’s zookeepers breed chimps and crocodiles to create the crocochimp. Velociraptors can be trained like dogs, apparently. And some dickheads would.

Suicide Squad, 2016

Bad guys press-ganged into an elite squad is a neat twist on the superhero genre, or would be if it wasn’t so f**king boring. Plus Harley Quinn might be popular but as just the Joker’s girlfriend with a baseball bat, she’d be dead weight even on a hen night.

Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon, 2011

The plot is the usual dogshit but the fight scenes are worse then ever. The CGI’s so detailed it confuses the eye with flying bits. You may as well fill your washing machine with nuts, bolts and screws, put it on spin and watch that for several hours.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, 2007

Weird, bloated and confusing as if the writers were overdoing not only the coke, but also the acid and peyote. There’s a lengthy sequence where crabs carry a ship into the sea, so that might be true.

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones, 2002

Had to be seen in the cinema. Laughing at the non-stop bollocks like Anakin, Padme and Obi-Wan riding an alien rhino thing was truly a shared experience.

Deep Impact, 1998

There’s a civilisation-destroying meteor strike coming, and according to this movie it’s going to be dull as f**k. You can heal rifts with family and accept your death, or ride a miniature motorbike up a small hill and survive. After this film the former seems preferable.

Jaws: The Revenge, 1987

Do sharks roar? No. The fourth movie is a Jaws film with every good bit – Roy Scheider, thrilling shark hunt, Quint, etc – stripped out. It’s like a Star Wars sequel with nothing happening but Luke working on his uncle’s moisture farm. For two hours.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

I wanted to visit the Queen to test my eyesight, says Johnson

THE prime minister only requested a face-to-face meeting with the Queen during the pandemic to ensure his vision was okay, he has confirmed.

Johnson defended himself after former aide Dominic Cummings revealed he intended to visit the 95-year-old monarch while potentially carrying Covid-19 by using the classic get-out that he just wanted to test his eyesight.

Speaking from behind a school fete table hastily erected in Downing Street’s rose garden, Johnson said: “My eyes had been playing up, as I explained to Carrie when I pinched an arse that wasn’t hers.

“So I thought I’d test myself in an honest, patriotic Conservative way by seeing how close I could get to Her Royal Majesty before I recognised her from the money.

“Not only would it give me an ocular workout, it might concentrate her mind on how to end this pandemic if I was spewing out Covid spores just a few feet away. We’d probably be out of the woods by now if I’d popped over.

“Instead here we are a year later still struggling, and all because selfish, jealous Dom didn’t want me to treat Buckingham Palace like Uxbridge Specsavers.”

Johnson added: “What’s the problem? You swallowed all this crap last time.”