THE summer blockbuster trend kicked off with Jaws in 1975, and ever since we’ve been deluged with shit. You were tricked into seeing all these:
Jurassic World, 2015
Somehow another dinosaur theme park has been opened, despite the previous death tolls. And they’re genetically engineering a new dinosaur because visitors are bored of the same old ones, just like today’s zookeepers breed chimps and crocodiles to create the crocochimp. Velociraptors can be trained like dogs, apparently. And some dickheads would.
Suicide Squad, 2016
Bad guys press-ganged into an elite squad is a neat twist on the superhero genre, or would be if it wasn’t so f**king boring. Plus Harley Quinn might be popular but as just the Joker’s girlfriend with a baseball bat, she’d be dead weight even on a hen night.
Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon, 2011
The plot is the usual dogshit but the fight scenes are worse then ever. The CGI’s so detailed it confuses the eye with flying bits. You may as well fill your washing machine with nuts, bolts and screws, put it on spin and watch that for several hours.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, 2007
Weird, bloated and confusing as if the writers were overdoing not only the coke, but also the acid and peyote. There’s a lengthy sequence where crabs carry a ship into the sea, so that might be true.
Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones, 2002
Had to be seen in the cinema. Laughing at the non-stop bollocks like Anakin, Padme and Obi-Wan riding an alien rhino thing was truly a shared experience.
Deep Impact, 1998
There’s a civilisation-destroying meteor strike coming, and according to this movie it’s going to be dull as f**k. You can heal rifts with family and accept your death, or ride a miniature motorbike up a small hill and survive. After this film the former seems preferable.
Jaws: The Revenge, 1987
Do sharks roar? No. The fourth movie is a Jaws film with every good bit – Roy Scheider, thrilling shark hunt, Quint, etc – stripped out. It’s like a Star Wars sequel with nothing happening but Luke working on his uncle’s moisture farm. For two hours.